INSOMNICON 2009: THE PLAY STATION.

[SlappyMcGee]

Welcome to InsomNicon 2009! If you'd like to play or observe, join the channel #insomnicon on the IRC.

Challenges will be posted here, as will your responses. Keep the chatter on this forum low.

FIRST CHALLENGE WILL BE POST NOW


Welcome, Ensigns!

Captain Jean-Luc Picard will be joining you on your next field mission. Apparently, he has heard that a group of
entirely ridiculous aliens are on this planet, and he'd like to get a look:

CHALLENGE 1: Show an image of the most ridiculous alien from the least ironic source. Explain the breed and the
media they are from, and then explain how you would beat them in a fight.

Best of luck!


Oh, and as a rule, any submission that is identical to a previous one is worth no points.

[Pikman]

This is a rare alien, scientific name Geraldinus vampirius, as seen on Fox News. To beat him, insist CBS is better just because they have Katie Couric.

[Universezero]

This is the Presidential Alien, know for it's complete stupidity, mindless optimism, and brainwashing attributes. To defeat it, you just need to tell him his greatest fears: Fear of the truth, fear of the world, fear of any data that collides with his faith-based bubble-encapsuled worldview, and fear most of all of the people he would represent.

[Jiggerjaw]

This is a creature known as the groveback, and hails from some movie or something.
The only way to best a creature of this caliber is to throw a large chunk of your thigh (removed with a knife of some sort, most likely) behind it, to tantalize it. While it is distracted, you must remove all of the spines from its ventral side, and, when it is done feasting on your sweet, sweet, meaty thigh, you must shove each spine, subsequently, into the beast's esophagus. This will leave it dazed, and then and only then can you kick it in the gut, killing it. Common side effects of this killing include rocketing of the spines outward through the oral cavity to form a massive heart shape in the surrounding dirt.

Edit: Made the image smaller by a factor of four. Should load now and be visible for everyone.

[LouDog004]

Upsidedownspiderheadthing from DOOM 3. Terrifying, yes? No? You sure it's not super scary?

I would do a handstand, making the alien think it was upside down, so it would flip over, exposing its soft underhead area. Stompy, stompy.

[Studebacher Hoch]

Behold! Duke Leto II, God-Emperor of Dune! If he looks like a fat, terrifying worm-thing with a face, well, that's because he is. Kill him in a fight? Good luck; my friends, he who controls the spice, controls the freakin' universe and nobody controls the spice quite like Duke Leto the Second.

On the other hand, you could just use your Bene Gesserit mind powers to make his head 'asplode. In other words, you have to have the cheat codes for life if you want to beat this guy.

[Obylisk]

This is the pkunk (Scientific name failus cucullatus) from star control 3. To defeat it, merely show it a dr. seuss book. It will die from sheer humiliation.

[sept]

(from: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/12/scien ... errestrial)

Name: Esmeraboyardee.
An alien breed that likes to prepare elaborate feasts from the edible land surrounding them.
I'd kill it with hiding sardines in their food, because they hate fish sooooo much! ;D

[Kablizzy]

Source: Star Trek Enterprise.

Breed: Some form of Tilapian Stir-Fry critter on the left, and on the right, looks like a Fishnet Sex-Slave Monster with Jerry Curls. They obviously hail from some remote part of some remote galaxy that no one's ever heard of.

How to Defend Against Alien Rape With the Brazilian Jiujitsu Closed Guard

The closed guard is one of the fundamental positions in Brazilian JiuJitsu. Incidentally, it is one which can be readily applied to rape aggression defense. It is set up from the supine position--a situation in which a rape victim is likely to find herself in.

1. Establish the closed guard. This is set out below.
2. Call for help.
3. Apply a submission. This is set out below.
4. Flee the scene.

Setting up the Guard

1. In order to establish the closed guard, wrap both legs around the assailant's waist. Start around the midsection and then try to work the legs up towards the armpits for better control. If the opponent is very large, or if you are otherwise unable to do this, wrap your legs around one of his legs. This hold is known as the half-guard.
2. Interlock your feet to prevent the assailant from pushing the legs apart.
3. Apply a moderate squeeze. Squeeze it good, but not too good. Excessive squeezing will simply wear you out.
4. Keep your hips as close to his as possible and pull him in. This is essential. As counter-intuitive as it may seem, penetration is very difficult from this position, especially when the legs are up in the armpits. Removing clothing is even more difficult. And we all know you don't want your clothes removed.
5. Place both hands behind the crown of the assailant's head or grab hold of his clothing and pull it down towards your own stomach. This will limit his ability to strike with his fists or elbows as well as help control his waist and torso. Any strength advantage is offset in this position!
6. Scream for help, if none is available, you are now ready to apply a submission and end the assault. Understand that all submissions must be fully applied. You will cause significant harm to your assailant.

Submission 1: The Kimura

1. Use a pelvic thrust to try to bowl your assailant over to your left side. You won't be able to do it, but he will post up on his two arms to maintain balance--Ideally, you want his hand to plant anywhere below your armpit. Adjust the pelvic thrusts to achieve this to the greatest degree possible.
2. Quickly grab his right hand with your left hand and hold it tightly against your ribs.
3. Quickly reach over with your other hand such that your triceps is touching his arm just above his elbow.
4. Quickly reach around the back of his arm and into the O created by you holding his wrist.
5. Quickly grab your own left wrist with your own right hand. Maintain the grip on his right wrist.
6. Shift your hips out to the left so that you are resting on your right hip. To do this, place your right foot on his left hip and try to throw your left foot over his back. Push off with your right foot and KEEP THE LEFT FOOT OVER HIS BACK. It will be used to help sink in the Kimura.
7. Use both hands (while maintaining the over-and-hold grip described above) to drive his hand behind his back, and up towards his neck. His arm will be bent behind his back.
8. To add shoulder-dislocating power, drive your left knee along his spine, up towards his head. This will help you drive his wrist with your hands by repositioning your weight. It will also upset his balance and prevent him from getting up or rolling over.
9. Continue to forcefully drive his arm upwards until the shoulder dislocates or until muscle tears. It does not take a very athletic person to do this.

Submission 2: The Armbar

1. From the closed guard, grab the alien's right arm and pull it towards your right shoulder.
2. Quickly post your left foot on his right hip. Keep holding his arm at the wrist.
3. Quickly twist and shift your hips out towards your right such that you are lying on your right hip. MAKE SURE YOUR BUTT IS STILL IN CONTACT WITH HIS HIPS! In other words, don't push out. Push over. Keep holding his arm at the wrist.
4. Quickly throw your right leg over his head such that his face is in your knee pit. Keep holding his arm at the wrist.
5. Use your legs to bowl him over to his right and pin him on his back. This should be very easy. If it is not, bridge your hips (push them upwards) while you crank your right leg (the one over his face) down.
6. From this position, hold his wrist down at the side of your head such that his arm is extended. If the alien doesn't have a wrist, then you're kinda fucked.
7. Bridge your hips and push your pelvis into the back of his elbow. Keep applying strength until it dislocates. Note that a sharp pop is not always a sign of dislocation as the fluid capsule makes a loud popping sound when burst.

Submission 3: The Collar Choke

The collar choke is actually a strangulation: It does most of its damage by restricting blood flow in the carotid arteries. It can be executed on almost any kind of shirt, jacket, or coat. Though easy to execute, this choke presents the risk of tearing the clothing and having to resort to a different submission. On the plus side, it will render an assailant unconscious in 5 to 10 seconds if properly applied and requires minimal strength or technique. Note that the opponent's posture has to be controlled such that he does not sit up and lean back. Be SNEAKY and CAREFUL in the setup and QUICK in the execution!

1. To set up the choke, use your right hand to grab the back of his collar with a thumb-inside (overhand) grip.
2. With your left hand, grab the opposite (right) lapel (if attacking a button-down shirt, jacket, or garment with a "true" collar) or right side of the T-shirt's head hole. This must be done with a fingers-inside (underhand) choke.
3. Shift your posture such that you are resting on your left hip and your right hip is slightly elevated. Do not skip this step!
4. Now that you are somewhat on your left side, it becomes easy to pass your right forearm over to the opposite side of the assailant's head by essentially ducking his head under your arm. DO THIS WITHOUT RELEASING ANY OF YOUR GRIPS!
* Your hands should now be crossed while holding onto his collar
5. Spread your elbows out and and pull his your hands apart while holding the grip--you should feel the collar tighten around his neck
6. To get even more power, flex your wrists and drive the outer "knob" on the side of your wrists into his carotid artery

*Tips

* The worst thing you can do is stay pinned on your back and butt. If you need space to execute a submission, shift your hips outwards towards either side.
* You may be able to use more muscles than you think to execute a movement. If you feel a motion stopping, consider using other parts of your body to add power. Example: use your back muscles to apply an armbar, not just your arms.
* Practice these steps with a partner! Perhaps sexy things will result! This cannot be stressed enough! You simply will not be able to execute these submissions without having drilled them several times, NO MATTER HOW WELL YOU THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THIS ARTICLE.
* Do not neglect your other options. A palm strike to the nose will break it, thumbs can be used to gouge out eyes, and the Tyson approach of biting the ears can be effective pain submissions.
* If the assailant passes (breaks) your guard and begins trying to crawl over you, pull in both legs and use the knees to create distance. Hold both wrists/sleeves and extend them to limit his motion. By extending one leg, you should be able to bowl him over to one side and mount. From the mount, strike with fists and elbows before getting up and running.
* Strikes (punch, slap, elbow, etc...) from the guard are NOT recommended. You will have no power and you are likely to lose your hold on the assailant. Any strikes should be delivered with the elbow to avoid hurting the wrist with the exception of palm strikes to the nose or teeth.
* IF WORSE COMES TO WORSE hold your assailant in the closed guard as you scream like a little girl for help!
* It is crucial to understand that your alien must be held in closely while in the closed guard! Pull him in tight with your legs, and keep his face pinned onto your chest. Do not give him space, but do not wear yourself out with a rigor mortis grip either.
* DO NOT EVER shift your hips in such a way that you are presenting your back.
* DO NOT STOMP A GROUNDED OPPONENT. He is likely to catch your leg and pull you down. It is also in violation of self-defense law in most states.

[unoriginal name]

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/e ... poster.jpg

From: Wikipedia.
What it is: Breed name unknown, but at the time this illustration was made, its leader was "Lord Crumb."
How I would beat it in a fight: With a gun like that? Sniper rifle. Sorry to be so bland.

[Torex]

This alien, scientific name Cyclopus breakdanceus is an androgynous alien, created by a Victor Navone. It apparently didn't realize it was being photographed, since no one has ever seen the species break dance before. It had just finished its dance. To defeat the alien, you must beat it in a dance contest.

[Rose]

It is the lovulous alienous, as seen on several planets around the milky way.

I'd beat it by telling it I hate it. It would run away in tears.

[Luminaflare]

Predator because it's ridiculous that aliens with that much technology would still be that tribal, also they have silly heads. Predators are a species of alien which have extremely advanced technology but focus their culture on hunting and stalking dangerous life forms, take skulls as trophies and give trophies which they have collected to anyone who kills the predator. The media they are from varies, they originate in the predator film series but they have gone on to have comics and cross overs with the alien franchise. To beat them in a fight you would disguise your heat signature and set lots of traps for them and/or bombard them with missiles, lots and lots of missiles (As I say: All of life problems can be solved with missiles, if the problem isn't solved you're not using enough missiles.) and/or CHAIN SWORD.

[otters~1]

Breed: Half man, half pig, NO BEAR BITCHES.
I would beat this mofo by taking it's mask off.

~Doctor Who baby.

[yahoozy]

Infantii ironicus can be easily eradicated with the use of a food processer, and the aftermath of which tops off a plate of sweet potato gnocchi nicely, complimenting the pasta's sweet flavor with a bit of tang.

[Leaff]

The rare Walrapshudlinpartilgenkrecnshel. Very few exist, as they are the result of a freak accident at a newspaper factory on Saturn.
It's main form of offense is to shout it's name with an incredibly high-pitched grunt. This hypnotizes you into screaming every single word of your vocabulary exactly thirty-nine-hundred times. You will die before finishing it the thirty-eight-hundredth time for reasons unknown. If you wear earmuffs, however, it cannot hypnotize you, and you need to simply stare at it for three hours and it will burst into flames.

[Sucker]

The headcrab. Assuming that most people know what it does, also for a lack of writing skills, I shall skip straight to the methods of dealing with one.
There are two approaches to this. First, hit it with tools. Second, one may attempEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAUUAAAAAAAAAGH

[Skyling]

Commonly known as Terror: Now in Eight Whole Bits; the species has no official name and only knows this alias due to its involvement in the burgeoning commercial advertising industry of the 1970's. Usually found in perfect grids of fifty or so, attacking innocent space ships that somehow always seem to win in a miraculous battle.

Surprisingly, the only thing required to take down this rather intimidating extraterrestrial is to press a button many, many times. Oh, and you might need to move back and forth a bit as well.

[Paddy]

Name: Polistes gallicus
A very wobbly alien that is good at building robots and shooting with laser pistols.
1. Hide its robot parts.
=> It can not build any robots.
2. Plug the laser pistols with shit.
=> Helpless alien with no weapons.
3. Hits with my crowbar.
=> Death.

[SkyRay]

Scientific name: Espinoso Maloliente Mexicana
Source: ThePartyPeople

Modern Defense System:
Large Fence + National Guard

If you see one in your neighborhood be prepared with racial slurs and your fists of fury, these blue collars won't give up this fight that easily. ;D

[Izzy]

This creature (scientific name: Kanyus Westiucuticle) is viewed throughout the planet as the ugliest, most terrifying alien ever documented. There are many recordings of its horrible screams and noises, most of which have been made public. It can be defeated with another alien that is equally terrifying. It's scientific name is Cincuenta Centavus.

[spudzalot]

This is a irkenous ziminous found on planet irken of course.

To beat him I would do my sexy rain dance and summon rain (which is his wakness) and melt him.

[Donfuy]

Known in two forms (male and female), the Cookifulliuius Amagonagetyu is a notorious thing. Up to 20 years old, this specie manages suffer the pain of having 50 coffee baked on her mouth. They're not allowed to eat them. They learn the "Mmmhm, mmhnmm" language, which works like the morse code, but with nose expiration movements instead.

At the exact age of 20 years old, a transformation exists.

The hairs coming from below start to grow up, and blue. The hair above falls, leaving space for the enormous pubic hairs that slowly pave way to the top. The eyes are now enormous and salient. A thing starts to grow below. She's a male now.


The war of cookies has begun.


To beat' em, just feed' em some beer.


THEY GO ALL CRAZY-E, "IMA GONNA FIRE THA COOKEH UP MAH BOTTOM WIT OME GRITS"


EDIT: oh and the media they're from? Sesame Street, being the second an actual actor and the first a fan.

[Snuggletummy]

The Elite, Also known as the Sangheili, is a very tactical alien hell bent on destroying everyone in it's way. (My describing skills are piss poor... sorry) Facing such an enemy would require an extreme sense of know what the hell you're doing, and the will of Kablizzy. If I were to ever fight one, I'd first take out my Level 42 Sword of Inner Ear Curdling, and equip my Level 59 Shield of the 9 Piñatas. Next, I would require an Elixir of Aerial Solar Entropy and douse the elite with. The elite would lift into the air and begin to melt. While Melting, I'd stab it a few time with my sword, and finally Cover my head with my shield as the innards poured down onto me. I'd slowly start to laugh at the Elite's demise, staring into the putrid ooze that was once living. I would walk off into the sunset, breathing.. waiting till I returned home to my beautiful wife and child.

[aids]

(source http://blog.templates.com/wp-content/up ... nderle.jpg)


(digital rendition of the beast)

Scientific name: Totalicus destroyae, or Sheepeater

Location: the bogs of Ireland

Last known sighting: 8 May 1974 by Roy Swan

"I dunno I was walking home from Marty's pub with my dog Alice when I fell. I got back up and saw the silhouette of this thing. It let out a cry like a fornicating sheep and ran toward the lake. Alice barked like mad and followed after it. I chased her all the way to the bog when a bright light blinded me. The next thing I know I wake up on my porch with Alice tied to the bench."

Many locals blame alcohol for Swan's tale.