I don't necessarily want this to be published; I just want a starting point and more importantly something I can look back on.
I've just finished writing an introductory chapter. Whether this will be worked on or not isn't something I've decided yet, however I'd like to get some feedback on what I've done so far; I want to know if I'm doing this right and I haven't left anyone feeling confused.
I've submitted this to DeviantART if anyone would prefer to read it there: link.
Thanks in advance. Be as harsh as you want, I know it's not much yet, though.
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Jack was a tall blond-haired 20 year old guy with dark eyes, pale skin and a face of a life that had no purpose or direction. Every day for the last three years since he left school, he would make the same trip into town on the train to go to work.
He was sat on the platform waiting for his train. All around him were people he'd see every day also catching the exact same train. When he first started catching the train, he decided he wasn't going to spend the rest of his life being one of the sheep who do the same routine day-in day-out; but after being one for three years he'd finally given in.
His train rolled slowly into the station. Jack, laid back as always, didn't stand up and move towards the train until the carriage doors opened. He pre-booked his seat every day, so it didn't matter if he wasn't the first person onto the carriage; he knew he'd always get his seat.
As he boarded the train and shuffled along the carriage with the other boarding passengers, Jack noticed a hooded-figure sat in his reserved seat. As he got closer to the person, they took off their coat; removing their hood. Sat in his seat was a very attractive dark-haired woman he guessed to be around the same age as himself.
Jack was far from confident, and didn’t like the idea of confronting the young woman. He looked around the carriage to find any other untaken seats, but he knew in his mind the only seat he wanted to sit in was the one he had paid for.
Jack stopped next to the young lady, still thinking of what to say. She stared up at him looking quite confused; Jack knew he had to say something, even though he hadn’t fully thought of what that might be.
“Excuse me, um...” Jack began.
The young lady continued to stare up at him as the train started to move. Jack had to quickly change his stance to avoid falling over with the changed motion of the train.
“Can I help you?” she asked, before Jack could finish. Her look of confusion had turned itself into a smile, which made Jack feel even less confident. She was beautiful, and in his mind Jack didn’t like the idea of asking her to find a different seat.
“I... I had this seat reserved, but...” Jack continued, before again being interrupted.
“Oh I’m so sorry!” she apologetically replied, whilst grabbing her coat and bag and slipping herself out of the comfortable position she was sitting in.
She seemed genuinely sorry about taking his seat. Jack wished he’d never opened his mouth. Up until this moment in his life, Jack couldn’t picture a single person he’d ever met that in his mind looked anywhere near as pleasant to look at as the girl he was talking to.
“No, no, no!” Jack started, correcting himself, “I shouldn’t have asked you to move. There are other seats available and...”
A croaky-voiced middle-aged man sitting opposite the young woman interrupted, “You can take my seat.”
Jack watched, confused, as the man smiled to himself, stood up and took his belongings to a different seat.
Jack warily sat down in the seat the man got up from, stared briefly at the man, then turned back to face the young lady. Jack wasn’t sure why the man had got up, or for that matter why he was still smiling to himself.
“I... I’m sorry,” Jack shyly said to the girl.
It then struck him that Jack may now have to spend the next thirty-minute train journey sitting opposite the girl he’d probably offended by asking to move.
“That’s okay!” the girl replied cheerfully, “I’m Lucy. Where are you going?”
Hearing her reply like that, Jack felt all his worries float away. At the same time, he figured out why the man had moved, and hastily looked back at him to share a quick thanking grin.
“I’m Jack”, he began to answer as he turned back to face her, still feeling quite nervous; “I’m heading off to work in Summerfield.”
“Oh that’s where I’m going! Not to work yet though obviously,” Lucy chuckled before continuing, “I’m going for a job interview at Milo’s Milkshakes, you know where that is?”
“That’s right next to the library, I know where it is.”
“I’m really anxious. I really hope I get this one; I’ve been trying for weeks now – to get a job I mean.”
“I know.”
“Where do you work?” she asked.
Jack paused for a few seconds before replying, “I work at the library.”