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Postby amomentlikethis » 2009.12.06 (03:11)

I've always wanted to write a book. Last week I decided to make it my goal that by the end of my second year at university I'd have one written; that gives me just over one and a half years - which I'm pretty sure is more than enough.
I don't necessarily want this to be published; I just want a starting point and more importantly something I can look back on.

I've just finished writing an introductory chapter. Whether this will be worked on or not isn't something I've decided yet, however I'd like to get some feedback on what I've done so far; I want to know if I'm doing this right and I haven't left anyone feeling confused.

I've submitted this to DeviantART if anyone would prefer to read it there: link.

Thanks in advance. Be as harsh as you want, I know it's not much yet, though.

--
Jack was a tall blond-haired 20 year old guy with dark eyes, pale skin and a face of a life that had no purpose or direction. Every day for the last three years since he left school, he would make the same trip into town on the train to go to work.

He was sat on the platform waiting for his train. All around him were people he'd see every day also catching the exact same train. When he first started catching the train, he decided he wasn't going to spend the rest of his life being one of the sheep who do the same routine day-in day-out; but after being one for three years he'd finally given in.

His train rolled slowly into the station. Jack, laid back as always, didn't stand up and move towards the train until the carriage doors opened. He pre-booked his seat every day, so it didn't matter if he wasn't the first person onto the carriage; he knew he'd always get his seat.

As he boarded the train and shuffled along the carriage with the other boarding passengers, Jack noticed a hooded-figure sat in his reserved seat. As he got closer to the person, they took off their coat; removing their hood. Sat in his seat was a very attractive dark-haired woman he guessed to be around the same age as himself.

Jack was far from confident, and didn’t like the idea of confronting the young woman. He looked around the carriage to find any other untaken seats, but he knew in his mind the only seat he wanted to sit in was the one he had paid for.

Jack stopped next to the young lady, still thinking of what to say. She stared up at him looking quite confused; Jack knew he had to say something, even though he hadn’t fully thought of what that might be.

“Excuse me, um...” Jack began.

The young lady continued to stare up at him as the train started to move. Jack had to quickly change his stance to avoid falling over with the changed motion of the train.

“Can I help you?” she asked, before Jack could finish. Her look of confusion had turned itself into a smile, which made Jack feel even less confident. She was beautiful, and in his mind Jack didn’t like the idea of asking her to find a different seat.
“I... I had this seat reserved, but...” Jack continued, before again being interrupted.
“Oh I’m so sorry!” she apologetically replied, whilst grabbing her coat and bag and slipping herself out of the comfortable position she was sitting in.

She seemed genuinely sorry about taking his seat. Jack wished he’d never opened his mouth. Up until this moment in his life, Jack couldn’t picture a single person he’d ever met that in his mind looked anywhere near as pleasant to look at as the girl he was talking to.

“No, no, no!” Jack started, correcting himself, “I shouldn’t have asked you to move. There are other seats available and...”
A croaky-voiced middle-aged man sitting opposite the young woman interrupted, “You can take my seat.”

Jack watched, confused, as the man smiled to himself, stood up and took his belongings to a different seat.
Jack warily sat down in the seat the man got up from, stared briefly at the man, then turned back to face the young lady. Jack wasn’t sure why the man had got up, or for that matter why he was still smiling to himself.

“I... I’m sorry,” Jack shyly said to the girl.

It then struck him that Jack may now have to spend the next thirty-minute train journey sitting opposite the girl he’d probably offended by asking to move.

“That’s okay!” the girl replied cheerfully, “I’m Lucy. Where are you going?”

Hearing her reply like that, Jack felt all his worries float away. At the same time, he figured out why the man had moved, and hastily looked back at him to share a quick thanking grin.

“I’m Jack”, he began to answer as he turned back to face her, still feeling quite nervous; “I’m heading off to work in Summerfield.”
“Oh that’s where I’m going! Not to work yet though obviously,” Lucy chuckled before continuing, “I’m going for a job interview at Milo’s Milkshakes, you know where that is?”
“That’s right next to the library, I know where it is.”
“I’m really anxious. I really hope I get this one; I’ve been trying for weeks now – to get a job I mean.”
“I know.”
“Where do you work?” she asked.
Jack paused for a few seconds before replying, “I work at the library.”
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Postby LittleViking » 2009.12.06 (04:02)

"When he first started catching the train, Jack decided he wasn't going to spend the rest of his life being one of the sheep who do the same routine day-in day-out; but after being one for three years he'd finally given in." <- That's your opening line. Move the first paragraph below the second one.

One thing I see you doing a bit is exposition. That is, telling the reader straight up about the setting or the history of the story. Try moving some of that exposition into the flow of the story. Instead of telling us Jack has blond hair, tell us that Jack's blond hair ruffled in the breeze brought on by the train.

Also, pad out your story with sights, smells and sounds. It doesn't have to be every paragraph, but this girl he met probably smells like lilac or something. "Her lavender perfume pierced through the usual smell of his musty, dirt-caked train."
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Postby chume14 » 2009.12.06 (14:37)

I would advise you not to just write the book through form start to finish it will be more cohesive if you write out a spine of the book first, focusing on the key events of the plot and developing the ideas you want it to contain, before going back to flesh out the specific chapters. If that's already the way you're going about it or you think the simple way is better that's fine ignore this.

I also plan to write a book some day a bit busy at the moment though maybe next holiday I'll start.
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Postby Tunco » 2009.12.06 (16:16)

Read it through, enjoyed it, except the opening of the story. You could also try to describe events more detailed, shape the oncoming events so that I could understand both of the characters personality more easlily.

Also, the name 'Jack' is alright. ;D
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Postby amomentlikethis » 2009.12.06 (16:27)

Thanks for the replies.

I like the change of opening line you suggested, LittleViking.

I'm considering writing it in first person instead.

I don't really have a storyline yet, chume14, I was just writing as ideas came into my head. I think I'll put this on hold for a while to think up any key events I could include.

And it's not that I have anything against the name 'Jack', I just think it's a bit overused. I'd rather have a main character with a name you wouldn't find in many other stories.
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Postby amomentlikethis » 2009.12.07 (05:00)

I now have 4 chapters of this on Booksie: http://www.booksie.com/romance/novel/tr ... fe-of-jack

I woke up at 2AM with an amazing idea for the storyline, and managed to write the next 3 chapters (albeit that they aren't that long).

I've modified the first chapter a little based on the suggestions you guys gave.

I'm really enjoying this!

As always, feedback is wanted!
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Postby aids » 2009.12.08 (09:43)

I used some of LV's suggestions:
(Things in parentheses are optional)
When he first started catching the train, Jack decided he wasn't going to spend the rest of his life as one of those sheep who does the same routine day-in and day-out; however, after being one for the past three years he had finally given in. Jack was a moderately tall (twenty-year-old) college (student/graduate/undergrad) with a pale skin, a pair of dark eyes, and a face devoid of purpose or direction. It seemed like he had been making this same monotonous train ride forever.

As his train slowly rolled into the station, Jack casually sat on a bench watching other passengers walk by him. He had pre-booked his seat everyday, so it didn't matter when he got on the carriage; he knew he would always get seat. He boarded the train and shuffled along the carriage as other passengers jostled around him. When he arrived at his seat, he noticed a hooded figure who was sitting in his reserved seat.

When he got closer, they took of their coat and revealed their face. Jack was startled to see a very attractive drak-haired girl whom he guess to be around his age. He was far from confident, and didn't like the idea of confronting the young woman. He looked around the carriage and saw plenty of available seats, but he knew in his mind that the only seat he wanted was the one he paid for.

Jack stopped next to the young lady, still unsure of what to say. As she stared up at him, looking quite confused, Jack knew he had to say something, even though he hadn't fully thought of what that might be. "Excuse me, umm..." he began. She continued to stare at him with eyes that kindly searched for and explanation. The train started to move, and Jack quickly changed his stance to avoid falling over.

"Can I help you?" she asked, before Jack could finish. Her look of confusion had turned itself into a gentle smile, which made Jack even less confident. She was beautiful, and in his mind Jack didn't like the idea of asking her to move. Her lilac-secented perfume slowly filled the carriage. "I had this seat reserved, but..." he continued, but she interrupted him once again.

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" she replied, grabbing her coat and bag and slipping herself out of what looked to be a comfortable position. Jack could tell that she was genuinely sorry about taking his seat. He wished he had never opened his mouth. Up to this moment in his life, Jack couldn't picture a single person who looked anywhere near as plesant as this girl did.

"No, no no!" Jack said, corrected himself, "I shouldn't have asked you to move. There are other open seats, and..." But before he could finish, a croaky-voiced middle-aged man sitting opposite the young woman interrupted, "You can take my seat." Jack watched, confused, as the man smiled to himself, stood up and took his belongings to a different seat.

Jack nervously sat down in the now vacant seat, glanced briefly at the man, then turned to face the young lady. Jack wasn't sure why the man had given up his seat, or why he was still smiling to himself. "I...I'm sorry," Jack shyly said to the girl. It then struck him that he may now have to spend the next thirty minutes sitting across from the girl he had probably offended by asking to move.

"That's okay!" she replied cheerfully, "I'm Lucy. Where are you going?" Hearing her say those words melted the worries that were surrounding Jack. At the same time, he realized why the man had moved, and hastily looked back at him to share a quick, thankful grim. "I'm Jack," he began to say as he turned to face Lucy, still feeling slightly hesitant. "I'm heading off work to Summerfield."

"Oh, that's where I'm going! Well, not to work yet, obviously," Lucy chuckled before continuing. "I'm going to a job interview at Past and Presents.* Do you know where that is?" At the mention of the store Jack offered her a smile. "That's right next to the library, I know where it is." Lucy smiled back. "Yes, I'm really anxious. I really hope I get this one; I've been trying for weeks now -- to get a job I mean."

"I know," Jack responded, amused by Lucy's plight. "So, where do you work?" she asked him. Jack paused for a few seconds before replying, "I work at the library."

*I feel that "Milo's Milkshakes," while sounding tasty, will not contribute as much to the story as an antique shop would. Imagine, Lucy could find a family heirloom of Jack's family which has been lost for decades; Jack could start visiting Lucy when the store is slow and the two would become fast friends; there are many other scenarios you could use, but I'll let you think of them. I personally like the name, but change it if you must.

A few writing points:
  • Involve the senses more, other than sight. Make the reader feel the book.
  • Avoid using contractions in the text, unless a character is speaking or it's a contraction of 'not such as "don't"
  • Use transition words to help join paragraphs together.
  • I use the word "got" too much, try to replace it.
  • I'm very iffy on whether the character's quotes should be in individual paragraphs. I'll leave that up to you.
So, good job so far. I'm looking forward to reading more. If you need me to edit/proofread, you know where to find me.

EDT: I didn't see your Bookie page when I posted this.

I didn't like the second chapter; you might want to think of a better name; I like how quotes look, but you might need to try my way until you get a good portion of the book written; the third chapter moved a bit to fast, but it was good; for the good of humanity, please use American spelling; the fourth chapter doesn't really fit in; the fifth deals with the aforementioned Milkshake shop, boo; chapter six, is this two books in one or something?; chapter 7...; chapter eight is too talkative; chapter nine was extremely well-written, I could see it in the book; chapter ten is part of the other book which doesn't fit in; chapter eleven is interesting, but needs some work.
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Postby amomentlikethis » 2009.12.08 (12:45)

Kablizzy Sucks wrote:...for the good of humanity, please use American spelling; chapter six, is this two books in one or something?;
1. I'm English.
2. You'd realise that from chapter 2 and 4.

Other than that, thanks for the suggestions.
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Postby Nexx » 2009.12.15 (00:18)

I read the first 2 chapters, and then just skimmed the next 3. The story just didn't interest me, and I don't think it's because of your style or the underdevelopedness of it.

But, unlike KS, I do understand that you're telling two stories simultaneously, so to speak. And that always helps to add interest, but I didn't read far enough for it to go anywhere.

I would reiterate what KS said about using the senses other than sight and avoiding contractions in text.

Also, occasionally you use odd tenses or phrasings. In fact, the opening paragraph of your story is probably the most noticeable and in need of fixing. Sample revisions:
AMLT wrote:He was sitting on the platform waiting for his train. All around him were people he saw every day also catching the exact same train. When he first started taking the train, he decided...
Hopefully those sound better to you (even if they are not what you wanted to say, they are at least grammatically correct). If you think your original text reads fine, which I assume you do, you may have trouble spotting these, but try to keep an eye out.

Sorry I am not of more help.

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Postby Lenny » 2009.12.15 (22:54)

If you're actually thinking of 60,000 words or so, I'd create a separate document with all of the information you put into the book about each character. It'll not only help you to get into their heads, but it'll mean that you won't accidentally make mistakes about some random bit of information.

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Postby Destiny » 2010.02.17 (12:18)

I just read all 11 chapters, and the last one was really interesting, in terms of narrative. Made me ask questions about Lucy, and that's a good thing.

Although i am enjoying the arc with lucy, the future plot isnt so enjoyable to read. Nothing is really happening - I don't see the purpose to it. Also, some of your chapters are far too short - when there are only 200 words in a chapter (Or even less with a couple) you really should try and flesh it out a bit. I would personally aim for 1000+ in each chapter, otherwise the reader is changing timelines too quickly to become interpollated into either of them.
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Postby Luminaflare » 2010.02.17 (17:33)

I can't believe I missed this thread, A bit late to give advice but the way I write my comics (Sorry guys you won't be seeing them for a while or on here for free) is to write a general outline of what is happening so instead of "Bob jumped up from his seat and screamed "ALL HANDS TO BATTLE STATIONS, ARM THE ATOMIC WARHEADS, PREPARE FOR EVASIVE MANEUVERS AND COUNTER FIRE!" I'd put "Bob got up from his seat and shouted orders to the crew" and then go back add detail and description on a second pass (And since it's a comic info about the background etc.), then a third pass with speech and a final pass to check over everything and check for any mistakes/out of place stuff.

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Postby beethoveN » 2010.02.23 (05:29)

As he boarded the train and shuffled along the carriage with the other boarding passengers, Jack noticed a hooded-figure sat in his reserved seat. As he got closer to the person, they took off their coat; removing their hood. Sat in his seat was a very attractive dark-haired woman he guessed to be around the same age as himself.


um... is it just me, or would the theys be hes? other than that, which I'm probably wrong anyway, I only read chapter one, and already liking it.

EDIT: you need to maybe have a downloadable version. 'twould be nice.

EDIT: if you finish, get it published
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Postby aids » 2010.02.23 (07:48)

beethoveN wrote:As he boarded the train and shuffled along the carriage with the other boarding passengers, Jack noticed a hooded-figure sat in his reserved seat. As he got closer to the person, they took off their coat; removing their hood. Sat in his seat was a very attractive dark-haired woman he guessed to be around the same age as himself.
AMLT is trying to retain genderless-ness so that the reader will be as surprised as Jack that it is a woman.

Also, AMLT, did you include most, if not all, of my edits? I'd be very upset if you didn't, I spent a lot of time on them.
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Postby Kablizzy » 2010.02.23 (09:34)

beethoveN wrote:As he boarded the train and shuffled along the carriage with the other boarding passengers, Jack noticed a hooded-figure sat in his reserved seat. As he got closer to the person, they took off their coat; removing their hood. Sat in his seat was a very attractive dark-haired woman he guessed to be around the same age as himself.


um... is it just me, or would the theys be hes? other than that, which I'm probably wrong anyway, I only read chapter one, and already liking it.

EDIT: you need to maybe have a downloadable version. 'twould be nice.

EDIT: if you finish, get it published
Something like that can be easily avoided with slightly more flowery and elongated speech.

"Jack took note of a hooded figure in his reserved seat. He neared this cloaked form ponderously, as it removed its coat and hood. Much to Jack's surprise, what lay underneath the hood wasn't to expectation - Dark, flowing hair, sprouting from distinctly female features..."

It's 4:30 in the mornin', and certainly not something something, but you get my point.
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Postby formica » 2010.05.23 (16:03)

Really late reply, but...

One general point- It feels like you're telling a bit too much, rather than showing it. eg-
Her look of confusion had turned itself into a smile, which made Jack feel even less confident. She was beautiful, and in his mind Jack didn’t like the idea of asking her to find a different seat.
If you can SHOW that Jack doesn't want to ask her to find a different seat, and SHOW that he's feeling even less confident, then it'd draw me in a lot more. And most other readers too, I think.

I'd really recommend buying/ reading Stephen King's "On Writing". He's a pretty average author most of the time (Misery excepted), but this book takes everything I've liked about my uni fiction writing electives, taken away everything I hate, stripped it of pretension, and made it extremely easy and fun to read. You can skip the autobiography stuff at the short and end of the book, but the main part of the book- "on writing"- and one of the appendixes- "on editing" are really, really useful. I'd not bother with creative writing classes, read "On Writing" and maybe "The Elements of Style", start figuring out what it is you enjoy about the fiction you like, and go from there.

(Not that I have any right to dish out advice, considering the fact I'm published all of nowhere, and I've never had the dedication yet to write anything bigger than a short story. Still, of the few things I've written that I'm proud of, that's what's helped me the most.)

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Postby danield9tqh » 2010.05.29 (14:22)

This is going off of what I read from Booksie. It only pertains to the first chapter.

"Jack noticed a hooded-figure sat in his reserved seat. As he got closer to the person, they took off their coat; removing their hood. Sat in his seat was a very attractive dark-haired woman he guessed to be around the same age as himself."

Sat should be sitting

that last sentence could be something like "To his disbelief this exposure revealed a very attractive dark-haired woman"

with the changed motion of the train.

you could replace changed with "renewed"

“I... I’m sorry,” Jack shyly said to the girl.
It then
struck him that Jack may now have to spend the next thirty-minute train journey sitting opposite the girl he’d probably offended by asking to move.

Change this to "Jack shyly said to the girl, as it then struck him..."

“That’s right next to the library, I know where it is.”

You could change this to "'Yea', Jack replied, showing a hint of enthusiasm, 'that's right next to the library' "

"showing a hint of enthusiasm" could just mean that Jack is becoming more confident but it could also be used as foreshadowing that jack is happy because he himself works at the library.
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