The shittest movies in the entire history of the world

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Postby Limer » 2010.06.30 (14:20)

Heh, i enjoyed reading through this thread.

Napoleon Dynamite was kinda crappy, but has redeeming quality's like Pedro and the awesome ending.

Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy i enjoyed. But i hate it when a films casting is dominated by English, Hugh Grant era actors (although, they do work tremendously well here). If it wasn't for Zooey Dechanel distracting me i probably would have gotten more annoyed. Also, if i saw it for the first time now i probably wouldn't have gotten much out of it because of the amount of British black comedies i have now had shoved down my throat.

There seem to be alot of people that downright hate Twilight. While i did not enjoy it, its not exactly a terrible film. There just such a stigma over it that i think people alittle. The fact that Cedric Diggery is such a pillock combined with that fact that most girls are obsessed with him tends to turn people against stuff hes in, in my experience.

The outright worst film i have ever seen is Open Water. 80 minutes of watching 2 idiots tread water.
Films i also completely hate include Little Nicky, Firewall, Norbit, At First Sight and Eragon.
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Postby SlappyMcGee » 2010.06.30 (15:35)

Limer wrote:Heh, i enjoyed reading through this thread.

Napoleon Dynamite was kinda crappy, but has redeeming quality's like Pedro and the awesome ending.

Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy i enjoyed. But i hate it when a films casting is dominated by English, Hugh Grant era actors (although, they do work tremendously well here). If it wasn't for Zooey Dechanel distracting me i probably would have gotten more annoyed. Also, if i saw it for the first time now i probably wouldn't have gotten much out of it because of the amount of British black comedies i have now had shoved down my throat.

There seem to be alot of people that downright hate Twilight. While i did not enjoy it, its not exactly a terrible film. There just such a stigma over it that i think people alittle. The fact that Cedric Diggery is such a pillock combined with that fact that most girls are obsessed with him tends to turn people against stuff hes in, in my experience.

The outright worst film i have ever seen is Open Water. 80 minutes of watching 2 idiots tread water.
Films i also completely hate include Little Nicky, Firewall, Norbit, At First Sight and Eragon.



Little Nicky is an absolute classic.

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Postby Luminaflare » 2010.06.30 (20:37)

SlappyMcGee wrote:
Limer wrote:Heh, i enjoyed reading through this thread.

Napoleon Dynamite was kinda crappy, but has redeeming quality's like Pedro and the awesome ending.

Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy i enjoyed. But i hate it when a films casting is dominated by English, Hugh Grant era actors (although, they do work tremendously well here). If it wasn't for Zooey Dechanel distracting me i probably would have gotten more annoyed. Also, if i saw it for the first time now i probably wouldn't have gotten much out of it because of the amount of British black comedies i have now had shoved down my throat.

There seem to be alot of people that downright hate Twilight. While i did not enjoy it, its not exactly a terrible film. There just such a stigma over it that i think people alittle. The fact that Cedric Diggery is such a pillock combined with that fact that most girls are obsessed with him tends to turn people against stuff hes in, in my experience.

The outright worst film i have ever seen is Open Water. 80 minutes of watching 2 idiots tread water.
Films i also completely hate include Little Nicky, Firewall, Norbit, At First Sight and Eragon.



Little Nicky is an absolute classic.

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Does it not have to be written in the script first?

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Postby t̷s͢uk̕a͡t͜ư » 2010.07.11 (10:57)

I saw Predators earlier tonight. I walked in expecting a mindless action movie, and that's exactly what I got, so I don't consider it a waste of money; it was awesome.

My friends and I decided on a drinking game for it, though:
  • Every time we get a series of shots of all of the characters' reactions preceding an upward pan to the astonishing thing they're looking at, take a shot.
  • Every time someone explains some terrible tactic employed by the predators and then mentions that he recognizes it because that's what he would have / used to do, take a shot.
  • Every time Isabel asks Royce what his name is, take a shot.
  • Every time the sniper uses the scope to identify something five meters away, take a sip (this happens far too often to make it a shot).
  • Every time one of the characters acts shamelessly like a caricature of himself, take a sip.
I must be missing a few rules, though, so this list is incomplete.


Although the end of the movie (I'm not going to give you any spoilers that you wouldn't expect anyway) gave me a fantastic new analogy to use when trying to describe how I think of tradition.
Before the inevitable and completely predictable boss fight, Isabel mentions Schwarzenegger's character from the first predator movie. More precisely, she says that the predators see heat and that the only survivor from the Panama mission (Schwarzenegger) covered himself with mud for camouflage.
Now, I don't remember so much detail from the first Predator movie because I saw it such a long time ago, but because it didn't make alarm bells go off in my head I'm going to assume that the cold mud helped cool down Schwarzenegger's heat signature by reporting the same cold temperature as the comparatively cold environment. If I watch that movie again, I'm going to expect to see Schwarzenegger appear as blue (blue as in "cold") as the environment around him in the predator's infrared vision.
Royce has a problem: he needs to fight a predator one-on-one. Fortunately for Royce, he has heard a trick to use to make himself invisible to the predator. Unfortunately for Royce, he doesn't appear to understand why it works. So when the predator enters the arena, Royce, covered head-to-toe in mud, ignites a wall a fire around the camp, and this fire is large and ubiquitous enough that Royce's body heat blends in with it, making it difficult for the predator to pick him out. Because it's Hollywood, Royce's plan proves effective. However, if Hollywood were to extract its cock from the Laws of Physics' eyesocket for a moment, one would realize that standing before a wall of flame while covered in cold mud would in fact exaggerate the contrast in the infrared spectrum and thereby help the predator see Royce all the more clearly.
Royce was invisible because his heat signature was hot. But if Royce's plan was to blend his hot heat signature with the heat of the fire around him, why, then, did Royce cover himself with mud in the first place? And the answer is adorable in its simplicity: in the child-like mind of Royce, or more accurately the minds of the writers who were similarly clueless as to why covering oneself with mud helped Schwarzenegger, that's simply what you do when you need to fight a predator.
Why did Royce cover himself with mud? Because that's how predator-fighting is done. In carrying on that ritual, the practitioner has completely lost sight of the whole point of doing the ritual in the first place. The reason for it all was lost in translation. (EDIT: I drew a helpful diagram.)
Similarly, when one examines the roots of popular traditions like Christmas or Easter, it's very straight-forward to see that the modern practice of these traditions is Fucking Retarded. It is so far divorced from the original practice and purpose that it's totally insensible, downright lunacy. What I don't quite understand is how anyone who realizes this can still be expected to take it seriously. And in my case, that extends to Church services and ceremonies like graduation and marriage: they're series of utterly bizarre but mandatory events to be suffered with utmost sincerity. The goal is achieved, but in the most roundabout and ridiculous manner imaginable.

tl;dr: It often feels like I'm the only sane person alive. (And there are times when that worries me.)
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Postby otters~1 » 2010.07.11 (13:26)

Tsukatu wrote:I saw Predators earlier tonight. I walked in expecting a mindless action movie, and that's exactly what I got, so I don't consider it a waste of money; it was awesome.

My friends and I decided on a drinking game for it, though:
  • Every time we get a series of shots of all of the characters' reactions preceding an upward pan to the astonishing thing they're looking at, take a shot.
  • Every time someone explains some terrible tactic employed by the predators and then mentions that he recognizes it because that's what he would have / used to do, take a shot.
  • Every time Isabel asks Royce what his name is, take a shot.
  • Every time the sniper uses the scope to identify something five meters away, take a sip (this happens far too often to make it a shot).
  • Every time one of the characters acts shamelessly like a caricature of himself, take a sip.
I must be missing a few rules, though, so this list is incomplete.


Although the end of the movie (I'm not going to give you any spoilers that you wouldn't expect anyway) gave me a fantastic new analogy to use when trying to describe how I think of tradition.
Before the inevitable and completely predictable boss fight, Isabel mentions Schwarzenegger's character from the first predator movie. More precisely, she says that the predators see heat and that the only survivor from the Panama mission (Schwarzenegger) covered himself with mud for camouflage.
Now, I don't remember so much detail from the first Predator movie because I saw it such a long time ago, but because it didn't make alarm bells go off in my head I'm going to assume that the cold mud helped cool down Schwarzenegger's heat signature by reporting the same cold temperature as the comparatively cold environment. If I watch that movie again, I'm going to expect to see Schwarzenegger appear as blue (blue as in "cold") as the environment around him in the predator's infrared vision.
Royce has a problem: he needs to fight a predator one-on-one. Fortunately for Royce, he has heard a trick to use to make himself invisible to the predator. Unfortunately for Royce, he doesn't appear to understand why it works. So when the predator enters the arena, Royce, covered head-to-toe in mud, ignites a wall a fire around the camp, and this fire is large and ubiquitous enough that Royce's body heat blends in with it, making it difficult for the predator to pick him out. Because it's Hollywood, Royce's plan proves effective. However, if Hollywood were to extract its cock from the Laws of Physics' eyesocket for a moment, one would realize that standing before a wall of flame while covered in cold mud would in fact exaggerate the contrast in the infrared spectrum and thereby help the predator see Royce all the more clearly.
Royce was invisible because his heat signature was hot. But if Royce's plan was to blend his hot heat signature with the heat of the fire around him, why, then, did Royce cover himself with mud in the first place? And the answer is adorable in its simplicity: in the child-like mind of Royce, or more accurately the minds of the writers who were similarly clueless as to why covering oneself with mud helped Schwarzenegger, that's simply what you do when you need to fight a predator.
Why did Royce cover himself with mud? Because that's how predator-fighting is done. In carrying on that ritual, the practitioner has completely lost sight of the whole point of doing the ritual in the first place. The reason for it all was lost in translation. (EDIT: I drew a helpful diagram.)
Similarly, when one examines the roots of popular traditions like Christmas or Easter, it's very straight-forward to see that the modern practice of these traditions is Fucking Retarded. It is so far divorced from the original practice and purpose that it's totally insensible, downright lunacy. What I don't quite understand is how anyone who realizes this can still be expected to take it seriously. And in my case, that extends to Church services and ceremonies like graduation and marriage: they're series of utterly bizarre but mandatory events to be suffered with utmost sincerity. The goal is achieved, but in the most roundabout and ridiculous manner imaginable.

tl;dr: It often feels like I'm the only sane person alive. (And there are times when that worries me.)

I think this is another candidate for post of the year. I enjoyed your diagram.
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Postby Kablizzy » 2010.07.11 (16:39)

That seals it. Suki is the Best Member of the Community.
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Postby SlappyMcGee » 2010.07.11 (16:50)

Kablizzy wrote:That seals it. Suki is the Best Member of the Community.



i thought it was me or incluye
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Postby rocket_thumped » 2010.07.11 (18:37)

shaolin soccer

But I love it. It's so bad it's amazing.
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Postby t̷s͢uk̕a͡t͜ư » 2010.07.12 (00:37)

Mr. Tanner has informed me that someone put up the helpful diagram on Digg: http://digg.com/movies/The_Problem_with_Predators

Bitchin'.

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Postby sTalkR » 2010.07.27 (15:24)

i'll just throw in "the spirit" for good measure. i walked into the cinema with a bottle of amaretto. when i first wanted to walk out (after probably 3 and a half minutes), i decided to take a gulp of amaretto instead, and i continued to do that everytime i wanted to walk out. needless to say when the movie ended i was drunk as fuck, stood up from my seat and gave the screen the finger, shouting "fuck you, spirit. fuck you"

edit: didn't notice the spirit already came up a few pages ago. still, people can't be reminded often enough of how bad this movie is. the worst thing is that the trailer made it look like it would be the most awesome movie ever, and i believed it. and then i had to sit through this semi-stylized puddle of puke.
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Postby t̷s͢uk̕a͡t͜ư » 2010.07.27 (18:12)

sTalkR wrote:i walked into the cinema with a bottle of amaretto. when i first wanted to walk out (after probably 3 and a half minutes), i decided to take a gulp of amaretto instead, and i continued to do that everytime i wanted to walk out.

This sounds like a fantastic idea.
Sometime this week, I am going to go look for a flask or other discreet contained I can hide alcohol in, and then try this with any willing friends for movies I expect to be bad.

One of the most excellent statements I have ever heard from a friend of mine is, "we're going to get drunk and watch Baby Mama" (in the theater). They then went off and had the time of their lives.

I guess the lesson here is that any terrible movie can become an excellent night out with the addition of liquor.

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Postby Tanner » 2010.07.27 (19:24)

I dunno. I was quite drunk and extremely high and still didn't like Grown Ups. Like, to the point where I remember very little of the movie but can distinctly remember being annoyed by it.
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Postby Vyacheslav » 2010.07.27 (19:29)

No one mentioned Stepbrothers yet? That was awful.
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Postby a happy song » 2010.07.27 (19:52)

Tsukatu wrote:Mr. Tanner has informed me that someone put up the helpful diagram on Digg: http://digg.com/movies/The_Problem_with_Predators

Bitchin'.


I just don't get this...

How much effort would it take for the film's creative team to apply some sort of QC to avoid this kind of oversight? Surely with the millions of dollars invested in modern film making, a couple of thousand could be put aside for experts in certain areas to give the film's various sequences the once over to avoid it?

Dumb action movies don't have to be /dumb/ action movies, and that they continue to be just that is a worrying trend. How is stupid getting so much creative input? Just sitting around drinking with a few friends is all it takes to smooth over these things, so that a production company with vastly more available resources manages to miss them or (even more disturbing) ignore them is something I just don't understand.

Anyway, add The Human Centipede to the list. If you haven't heard of it I'd avoid eating before you look it up.
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Postby Tanner » 2010.07.27 (20:07)

a happy song wrote:Dumb action movies don't have to be /dumb/ action movies, and that they continue to be just that is a worrying trend.

Could you elaborate on every part of this sentence? I don't think I understand what you mean.
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Postby sTalkR » 2010.07.27 (20:13)

you can also add every single movie by uwe boll to the list (the director of such gems as "postal" and the "bloodrayne" trilogy). here's a quote from his wikipedia article:

"As part of a publicity stunt for POSTAL, Uwe Boll released a video stating that he is "the only genius in the whole fucking [movie] business" and that other directors such as Michael Bay and Eli Roth are "fucking retards". He promised that his upcoming film Postal would be "way better than all that social-critic George Clooney bullshit that you get every fucking weekend.""
(...)
When rumors surfaced that Boll had expressed interest in a Metal Gear Solid movie, and claimed to have been given a script to read, Metal Gear creator Hideo Kojima responded in his audioblog HIDECHAN, "Absolutely not! I don't know why Uwe Boll is even talking about this kind of thing. We've never talked to him. It's impossible that we'd ever do a movie with him." Boll later stated that he only thought he was doing the film because he was tricked by someone named Scithe who claimed to work for Konami.

lol.
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Postby a happy song » 2010.07.27 (20:20)

hairscapades wrote:
a happy song wrote:Dumb action movies don't have to be /dumb/ action movies, and that they continue to be just that is a worrying trend.

Could you elaborate on every part of this sentence? I don't think I understand what you mean.


What I mean is simple action films that do exactly what they say on the tin don't have to be stupid. Predators was never going to be an intellectually stimulating movie, but it didn't need to make such a basic oversight as the mud against fire trip up.

I thought the rest of my post would have made what I meant apparent.

As for the trend thing, I hope you're not simply getting on my case again for the kick of it, but I'll assume your're actually interested and continue...

So many modern action films dumb things down. A good example would be the irritating way that they show computer use. Die Hard 4.0, for instance.

Example (the entire premise of the film is retarded, but if you read through you'll find a few examples of what I mean specifically).

Now, I understand the need to condense things for at a glance digestion, and there's no need to go into pedantic detail, but surely the creators of these things could avoid such over simplification that makes for anyone with an above average knowledge of such things squirm in discomfort?

Films such as Inception show us all we need to know to get the idea of the technology, they keep it basic in an intelligent way by explaining just enough to understand and not showing too much that they trip over reality and appear retarded in the process.
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Postby t̷s͢uk̕a͡t͜ư » 2010.07.27 (21:52)

atob,

Have you read my rant on Fringe?

I think it comes down to this (quoted from the article you linked to):
I understand that no one in Hollywood hires technology consultants anymore – and if they do, they probably fired them on the first day when they start crossing out all the awesome hacker stuff from the script and replace it with boring stuff. I get it. I am not their target audience and I guess someone with less technical knowledge than me could overlook all the flaws I listed above.


Still, I don't see why one of the producers can't ask his pimply faced nephew if this ridiculous superhacker action makes a lick of sense. I really wish more franchises would completely bomb after "I'll make a GUI in Visual Basic to track the IP," but I've learned not to bank on the general populace breaking out of their crippling ignorance and incompetence.

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Postby a happy song » 2010.07.27 (22:07)

Tsukatu wrote:atob,

Have you read my rant on Fringe?


Well, I skimmed it. Not because I wasn't interested in what you had to say, but more that I knew I'd end up giving myself an dodgy stomach with the strain of trying to understand what the fuck it is these people are trying to achieve.

Tsukatu wrote:I think it comes down to this (quoted from the article you linked to):
I understand that no one in Hollywood hires technology consultants anymore – and if they do, they probably fired them on the first day when they start crossing out all the awesome hacker stuff from the script and replace it with boring stuff. I get it. I am not their target audience and I guess someone with less technical knowledge than me could overlook all the flaws I listed above.


Still, I don't see why one of the producers can't ask his pimply faced nephew if this ridiculous superhacker action makes a lick of sense. I really wish more franchises would completely bomb after "I'll make a GUI in Visual Basic to track the IP," but I've learned not to bank on the general populace breaking out of their crippling ignorance and incompetence.


Right!

I'm trying to recall a film that does this well, the computer hacker thing. And by well I mean bridges the gap between accessible screen hints and believable interactions/interfaces.

I mean, I can handle the occasional "Virus has been uploaded" or "I /just/ need to hack in to their systems" (guy taps away at keyboard), I'd just rather see a little more intelligence behind the creativity.

Can you give me any examples of it done right? I'm sure I'm overlooking the obvious.
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Postby Tanner » 2010.07.28 (12:22)

But what about parts of action movies that are undeniably stupid/impossible but still manage to be enjoyable? For example: the one-two punch of Arnold Schwarzenegger's trademarked one liners and the impossibly long fully automatic gun fight in Commando. I'm sure not everyone agrees but I still find that movie to be awesome. Whether that's because of or in spite of the stupidity, I'm not sure. I'll bet you can think of your own examples and I'm wondering where these "dumb action movies" that actually are dumb but are still enjoyable fit.
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Postby a happy song » 2010.07.28 (16:08)

hairscapades wrote:But what about parts of action movies that are undeniably stupid/impossible but still manage to be enjoyable? For example: the one-two punch of Arnold Schwarzenegger's trademarked one liners and the impossibly long fully automatic gun fight in Commando. I'm sure not everyone agrees but I still find that movie to be awesome. Whether that's because of or in spite of the stupidity, I'm not sure. I'll bet you can think of your own examples and I'm wondering where these "dumb action movies" that actually are dumb but are still enjoyable fit.


Oh, right.

Predator.
Die Hard.
Lethal Weapon.

Three of my favourite examples. They're full of ridiculous one-liners and impossible situations, but they're done with a certain style. There's just something about the way they used to write these things that's been lost.

I'm exhausted right now, I'll elaborate later.
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Postby Rose » 2010.08.10 (01:10)

987654321 wrote:
Zilla wrote:Now Napoleon Dynamite on the other hand, I hated that. I never did understand how so many people liked it, but to each his own, I guess.


Agreed. Such a grossly overrated movie.


Why does everyone in this community hate all of my favorite movies? ;________;
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Postby otters~1 » 2010.08.10 (03:24)

the other guys was fucking awful. no one see it.
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Postby otters » 2010.08.10 (23:47)

MAXXXON wrote:
987654321 wrote:
Zilla wrote:Now Napoleon Dynamite on the other hand, I hated that. I never did understand how so many people liked it, but to each his own, I guess.


Agreed. Such a grossly overrated movie.


Why does everyone in this community hate all of my favorite movies? ;________;

Because you have a shit taste in films?
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Postby SlappyMcGee » 2010.08.11 (13:25)

incluye wrote:Because you have a shit taste in films?


art is /subjective/////
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