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The first is excellent.

The first one.

The second one was pretty good, though. I'm not sure which is better.

I must say I'm personally leaning towards number 2 here.

They are both good. The first is good, it takes skill to actually find rhyming words that well work together. But it is somewhat tiresome. The second one is a little more thoughtful, however. I am torn.

The first one is too forced. Nothing about the rhyme makes me want to vote for it.

I feel like number 2 is reflecting on the development of social networking from the Internet to cellular phones. It gives an interesting look at society and how we may say "Good Morning Good Night" but people are still going to be locked away in their own side world to reality, termed in the poem, "a portable life."

Second. I don't really like how in the first all the lines rhyme together.

RandomDigits wrote:Second. I don't really like how in the first all the lines rhyme together.

QFE. Maybe if one of lines didn't Rhyme? Like, the second to last?

See, that's what I like most about the former. It's easy to write poetry that doesn't rhyme; easier still that is pretentious and meaningless. This manages to mean something to me, and it rhymes.

Manus Australis wrote:The first one is too forced. Nothing about the rhyme makes me want to vote for it.

I feel like number 2 is reflecting on the development of social networking from the Internet to cellular phones. It gives an interesting look at society and how we may say "Good Morning Good Night" but people are still going to be locked away in their own side world to reality, termed in the poem, "a portable life."

QFE
Yes, it is hard to write a good poem and keep a regular rhyme scheme, but I felt a rhyme on every line was overkill, and, to be frank, I didn't like the poem at all. The metre was inconsistent, so the crescendo technique fell flat, and I couldn't make head nor tail of what it was meant to mean, either.

The second one was much more intelligent and thought-provoking, imo.