My life at the moment

[jean-luc]

This might turn in to an overly long rant, but I feel the need to talk about some things, and I guess you guys get to read them. Perhaps when I publish my memoirs you can tell everyone that you knew first.

This is all spawned by an event that occured last week. Thursday evening, to be exact. I had been out of school for a competition, and didn't hear about this until Monday this week, when it was announced at an all-school assembly (the assembly was for other reasons, but the principal took the opportunity to announce this to the school). One of the students at my high school committed suicide. Now, this isn't the first time it's happened in my high school career, and I guess I stopped paying attention. but then the principal, as somewhat of an aside since everyone else had already heard of it, announced the name - Oscar Miles. I knew him.
The significance of this is odd. I wasn't really 'friends' with him, but I've had classes with him for the past three years, and we knew each other, and because we were together in a very small class, we were coming to know each other better.
Typically, I am not really affected by these things. My grandfather died of cancer without a single tear on my part, and at the time I wondered if that was a bad thing. Since then I've attributed it to the many abnormalities that surface when I'm under stress. This particular death, however, seemed very near to me.
Perhaps one of my weaknesses is the degree to which I am empathetic. I once broke in to tears because a 4-year-old at the zoo dropped his ice cream cone. These things really bother me.
Well, I progressed (as so often seems to happen in the case of suicide) to a question that is simultaneously pivotal and irrelevant - could I have prevented it? There are certain factors that I won't discuss here that lead to me to wonder if in some ways I was partly responsible - yet this seems ridiculous. Perhaps I'm trying to blame myself, trying too hard. But nonetheless, I keep thinking of one particular moment in which I made one single choice that it seems, in my many distorted "what if" simulations, could have had a dramatic impact. It's not that I was mean to him - I've always liked him. It's more that I didn't love him. The ramifications of that fact are extensive, and have weighed heavy on my mind in the past few days, because I can't avoid the fact that in several ways I did - I mean, I didn't really know him that well, but...
I try to remind myself that I'm not thinking straight. I've been under a lot of stress the last few weeks, and I'm having anxiety issues. Above all I can't stop thinking about Oscar. I'm thinking I should call kaiperm and make a psych appointment, but I don't have the time. I mean, I guess my mental health ought to reign over the many extracurricular I participate in, but still, I have the things that I like to do, you know?..
Gah. I don't really know if there was a point to this, or if I really have any questions, but I wanted to say this, and perhaps this is somewhat sad, but this seems like the best venue by which to do so.
Thanks for tolerating my rambling.

[Rose]

As someone who used to be suicidal, I can confidently say that you CANNOT blame yourself. I remember the several times I attempted it. When I wrote the notes, I told everyone not to blame themselves, as it wasn't anyone's fault. I now am on Prozac and my life is great. It's a chemical imbalance in his brain; you can't blame yourself.

[aids]

It's a chemical imbalance in his brain; you can't blame yourself.

Agreed. Don't blame yourself. It won't solve anything and will only spawn negative thoughts and feelings. Putting myself in your shoes, I would feel that I did nothing wrong; in fact, you were nice to him, so the last thing you can do is blame yourself.

I'm sure someone else can find who said this, but "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." That basically sums up my feelings on the matter. My biggest reason for not committing suicide (if ever put into the situation) is that is puts your troubles on the ones you love, which is a horrible thing to do. If you need to talk to someone, do it. Don't hide your feelings away, or else someday they'll explode out of you, usually in a violent way. Dealing with your feelings piece by piece is the easiest and most sucessful cure of depression. You can't realize how many people love you for exactly who and what you are.

Maxson, what reasons did you have for trying to kill yourself?

[t̷s͢uk̕a͡t͜ư]

I've felt a similar way when such heavy-hitting stuff happens so close to you, without there necessarily being any reason you should take it personally. If you think anything like me (I also felt next to nothing when my grandfather died, and thought he was fantastic), I think you're just sympathizing with how unfair life can sometimes be, and that's aggravated by the fact that the consequences in Oscar's case were so severe.
But realistically, you can't be responsible for everyone. Even if you'd like to be there for every kid who feels so down on himself that he starts considering suicide, it's just not going to happen, and you do have to look out for your own happiness and success. You pretty much have to become callous to it to some extent just to lead a normal life.

Last year, I heard through some old friends from high school that one of my schoolmates killed himself. I went to a very small high school (~250 students total), so everyone pretty much knew just about every other student. I wasn't even friends with him, and I don't know that he had very many friends. But I was jealous of him to some extent -- he was a year younger than me, but was one year ahead of me in the math classes he was taking (which was impressive given that I was also a year ahead of my grade). His name was Aaron. When the AMC, a school-wide math competition, rolled around, I heard so much talk of how he'd kick everyone's ass. And I remember when I was announced as the 1st place winner and him as second, and when I saw that his score was only a few points shy of mine but that we had both beaten the guy in 3rd by a long shot, how accomplished I felt simply that I had beaten him. He didn't look happy, and that made me even happier. He disappeared sometime before I graduated. I think he transfered, or started college early or something. I asked around a little bit but nobody knew.
And now, much more recently, I hear that he shot himself in the head. It shouldn't have meant a thing to me because we probably hadn't said five words to each other in our lifetimes, but I still took it hard for some reason. We were at least similar enough in that we were math nerds -- maybe we could actually have become good friends. I don't even know what he was like as a person; I just knew that he was Indian and wore glasses. And if he was someone I could be friends with, I could've affected his life in a way that wouldn't lead to him killing himself.

But I got over that. I realized that I can't be held accountable for such things because I can't tell the frickin' future. All I can do is make friends with the people I can sympathize with, and hope that everyone else can also find some happiness for themselves. It sucks that life is unfair, and I do try to be there for people when I think they're depressed, but it was unreasonable of me to try to find some blame in myself for what Aaron did to himself.
And it sounds to me like you have a similar sort of situation with Oscar.

[SlappyMcGee]

Frakkin' people. It doesn't matter whether you're Ian Curtis, or Elliot Smith, or Hunter S. Thompson, or that kid who decided to drown himself in the lake, but everybody I've ever really, truly respected has taken their own lives.

I don't know if that's a retrospective thing, like, somehow I have more respect for that way of going. I don't know if maybe its just an inherent inevitability to genius.

I knew a kid, he wasn't well liked. We would hang out, play guitar together, explore some woods, trade Pokemon. We would always approach eachother as if we were both thinking about how the conversation should progress, but neither of us deemed any of the words suitable. So, we'd sit next to eachother, until one of us resolved on something to do, and then the other one would follow suit.

I guess one Spring morning, when the ice was real thin, he walked out to the center of the lake near my house and fell through, and died. I heard a lot playing it off as some sort of accident, but his parents showed me the letter. It was real.

Even my Great-Grandad, who passed fairly recent, seemed to have made a conscious decision to die in recent months. His wife died six months ago to the day, and he seemed distant. Then he was gone.

I don't think that it's a chemical imbalance in your brain, no moreso than love, or laughter, or sadness are chemical imbalances. They can give you pills to make you forget why you want to do it, but I hope they don't ever do that to me. When I'm going, I'm going, you know?

I think the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me is that it wasn't my fault, but that it was everyone's. :/

[ska]

There's nothing more demoralising than knowing a single act played slightly differently; even just in the space of seconds can dramatically alter your outlook on life - I know. The people who have the good fortune to not have experienced this kind of situation usually find it quite difficult to comprehend. The unfortunate reality is your life can become hellish in a finger snap.

I pray that you can overcome your emotional troubles like I am also trying determinedly to do.

(That said, I feel you have suffered much greater losses)

[Tunco]

It's a chemical imbalance in his brain; you can't blame yourself.

Agreed. Don't blame yourself. It won't solve anything and will only spawn negative thoughts and feelings. Putting myself in your shoes, I would feel that I did nothing wrong; in fact, you were nice to him, so the last thing you can do is blame yourself.

I'm sure someone else can find who said this, but "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." That basically sums up my feelings on the matter. My biggest reason for not committing suicide (if ever put into the situation) is that is puts your troubles on the ones you love, which is a horrible thing to do. If you need to talk to someone, do it. Don't hide your feelings away, or else someday they'll explode out of you, usually in a violent way. Dealing with your feelings piece by piece is the easiest and most sucessful cure of depression. You can't realize how many people love you for exactly who and what you are.

Maxson, what reasons did you have for trying to kill yourself?

The last thing that you can do is blaming yourself.Yes,for some people "committing suicide" can be a solution to every problem.We all know that.But everything is just not that simple.

[Rikaninja]

One sentenc, it was NOT YOU FAULT.

[otters~1]

What's with all these threads popping up in Discussion? Seriously, if you're having problems, and I feel for you, go to a professional or someone you know who will empathize. Not an internet forum. That's a good way to get your self-esteem ripped to pieces.

I mean, it's great if you think we can help, and that you trust us, but, there are some people on this forum who I wouldn't trust with intimate details of my life. Just keep that in mind.

[Tunco]

What's with all these threads popping up in Discussion? Seriously, if you're having problems, and I feel for you, go to a professional or someone you know who will empathize. Not an internet forum. That's a good way to get your self-esteem ripped to pieces.

I mean, it's great if you think we can help, and that you trust us, but, there are some people on this forum who I wouldn't trust with intimate details of my life. Just keep that in mind.

Hey?"Discuss":
you can discuss anything,so shut up.

[squibbles]

What's with all these threads popping up in Discussion? Seriously, if you're having problems, and I feel for you, go to a professional or someone you know who will empathize. Not an internet forum. That's a good way to get your self-esteem ripped to pieces.

I mean, it's great if you think we can help, and that you trust us, but, there are some people on this forum who I wouldn't trust with intimate details of my life. Just keep that in mind.

I like to think that in situations as serious as this, we can be trusted to be serious, and offer help. In fact, I remember a case from last year where there was a "Should I commit suicide" thread. It was taken very seriously, and if I remember correctly, we helped.

On topic, no, it is in no way your fault. I think I understand what's going on at the moment as well, because I recently also had a death in my life, because of the fires in Victoria. The one thing that I can say though, is that if you do choose to talk to somebody, it will help.

[dejablue]

Life's a bitch. With that said, let me try to explain my thoughts a bit better.

I knew this guy named Josh. We all called him JR. He lived directly across the street from me, from the time I was 5 until I turned 15. Nowadays, the term "best friend" gets tossed around quite a bit. But I can honestly say that JR was my best friend. He always had that "I'm there for you" kind of mentality, and it showed when times got hard for me. The summer i was 15, he moved away. About eight months later, he drove his car off a cliff. He had the whole letter and everything, saying how he was sorry for the trouble he caused and the trouble he would cause with his decision, saying that he was certain that there had to be a better place than this world had to offer, saying that he would always love his parents and his friends, the whole shabang. Only problem was, he didn't die immediately. An ambulance rushed him to the hospital where he was put in the ICU. What happened in that ambulance is what got me real bad. I didn't figure this out until about a month later, but allegedly while semi-concious, JR asked for me. He said he didn't want to die, he wanted to see me. He died two days later. Like i said, life's a bitch.

No matter how many times I try to avoid it, the "What ifs" continue to stay in my mind. I can't say that i understand exactly what you're feeling, but whatever it is, just know that the past is called that for a reason. We remember it, we learn from it, we even repeat it. But we cannot live in it. The taking of a human being's life is always a sensitive subject. People are always trying to find fault in any shape or form, and there's nothing wrong with that. Since i don't know all that happened with Oscar, i can't say definitively that it wasn't your fault. I, to this day, am convinced that JR's passing was more my fault than anybody else's. Just remember that even if it was your fault, there's not much you can do about it now. My life was in ruins after JR, my grades dropped, i broke up with my girlfriend, i simply stopped pursuing the things i had loved (like NUMA, actually). But after time, I realized with some help that i wasn't helping anybody by feeling down about myself, no matter how valid a reason i had. Life moves on. Might as well move with it.

Sorry if that post got kind of convoluted near the end. I still can't really organize my thoughts when it comes to talking about stuff like this.