Now during that regrettable visit to that atrocious store, I decided, while touring it, to take one of their free pencils on display, and three of their free bits of paper also on display and available to shoppers, and walk around it while listing everything that I discovered about it, or just my thoughts in general as I spent some time wandering around. The present-day list only has a very small number of minor editions to it.
1. Ikea has arrows and footprints on the floor. This means that Ikea is a store for people who cannot orientate themselves.
2. Ikea lets people sit on their chairs and sleep on their beds. This could lead to certain people coming who [might] urinate/defecate on the furniture, giving a bad impression of the shop. [Not that I've ever seen that happen, but, hypothetically...]
3. A picture of an Ikea mug in the catalogue shows a hole in the bottom of it. [That catalogue is now two years old, so that isn't really valid now; however, you can make a similar argument with those lightbulbs in their latest catalogue which are labelled as being wrapped in rice paper.]
4. Ikea sells all this 'cheap rubbish' but it does not sell digital cameras.
5. According to Wikipedia, a historic building had to be destroyed for an Ikea store to be created.
6. There is graffiti at Ikea's entrance. This gives a bad impression of the store.
7. Some places in Ikea smell awful.
8. Ikea can't spell 'hand cream'. (Hand creme!?)
9. Ikea has a 1.5-seater armchair. People do not come in halves.
10. Ikea has a 3.5-seater sofa. Ditto.
11. Ikea's idea of a 'Panel Curtain' is a piece of paper with holes cut in it. It is 3m by 0.6m and costs £14.99. [Apparently they've been reduced to £9.99, but that's irrelevant.]
12. Ikea's Allak Swivel Chairs make a certain bad sound when sat on.
13. Ikea's clocks don't work.
14. Some of Ikea's staff don't turn their computers off when they are not using them.
15. Neither their fridges nor their coffee-makers work.
16. In Room 28 of [that Ikea store that I visited], the microwave is placed directly on top of the fridge, which is wrong.
17. There is litter all over the floor, and a lot of it.
18. Ikea's kitchen furniture is badly shaped. And their beds too. (Circular beds!!?)
19. Ikea's Bathroom Series displays stuff from Tesco. That is just stupid.
20. Ikea thinks that 'accessories' is spelt with only one 'c'.
21. Ikea is obsessed with keeping things as flat as possible. This means that eventually Ikea will become 2-D.
22. Ikea does not [or, alternatively, "doesn't"] know how to use apostrophes.
23. Ikea is VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY BORING.
24. Ikea has graffiti all over their toilet seats. Also, one of their toilet seats is made from metal.
25. Ikea has lightbulbs in very bad shapes ever, including 'flat' lightbulbs.
26. In a few areas there are HOLES in the floor.
27. Ikea's measuring tapes are prone to rips and tears and so are not accurate.
28. Ikea's sausages are hard and their bacon is somewhat salty and hard.
29. Ikea's plastic bags are heavily overpriced.
30. Ikea sells hot dogs for 50p each. This is a severe case of cruelty to animals. (Am I taking this too literally?)
31. Ikea's pencils sometimes break when dropped.
32. Ikea's queues are very slow.
33. Ikea's products mostly have unpronounceable names.
34. Ikea does not sell N-related products!
