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So I've spoken to loads of guys who have had crushes on their long term female friends, and wanted to ask them out. Some of them did, some of them didn't, whatever. But it seems that guys, or at least the kind of guys who i call my friends, often think that dating a girl with whom you've had a long term friendship for is good. They think of it as the next step in that relationship. They say that they already know her so well, they know it's not going to go wrong. So it's a perfect match, in that sense.

I then spoke to my female friends seperately, and asked them of their views on the subject. They had it the complete opposite way around. They said that dating a guy you have been friends with for a really long time would be a huge mistake. They seemed to think that it would form barriers in their friendship which they wouldn't want in place. They said that it would sacrifice their friendship. I pointed out to them that they would know that they're a perfect match, and so wouldn't have any barriers. They seemed to be under the impression that all relationships end, and with barriers in place between them and their ex.

What do you think?

Ahaha, I was made for this topic, I swear. So some of you might know a while ago I fell in love with my best friend. She didn't want to do anything with it, because she didn't feel the same (which yeah, felt absurd to me, because it did feel like a natural progression of our relationship), however I very much did. One day we had a bit of an argument about this, because I just snapped from the pressure. I was privy to excruciating detail, such as close detail into her sexual liaisons, and this really just blew.

After a few months of us not talking following this, we have gotten back together and are just as close as we were before the incident.

So pretty much, my point is that in my experience, there are multiple reasons why girls don't want to progress a relationship, or hold it back, and the only thing that is certain is that they're goddamn weird. Inconsistent as fuck.

The leap out of the Friend Zone is a nearly impossible one to carry out successfully in the short term.
Your best bet is to disconnect for a few years, reinvent yourself, and then come back in as a whole new person in her eyes, and this time keep romance more obviously on the table.
Otherwise, just leave. The world's full of people.

Don't become a great long term friend with a girl, because replacing that is just plain impossible. If you like her at all, the sooner the better, but at least let them get to know your name and a little bit about you first. Maybe a week is probably the best point to ask. Just my opinion.

Tsukatu wrote:The leap out of the Friend Zone is a nearly impossible one to carry out successfully in the short term.
Your best bet is to disconnect for a few years, reinvent yourself, and then come back in as a whole new person in her eyes, and this time keep romance more obviously on the table.
Otherwise, just leave. The world's full of people.

Yeah, you really need to Hyperbolic Chamber a relationship. None of this lengthy relationship/courting shit. If you can't start dating a girl within a month of meeting her, it's not going to happen.

Although it's also legit if you were dating somebody else for the whole of the friendship until now. Then the transition can be smoother to the frienddate because of the pining.


Pine.

I was friends with my current girlfriend for three years and then, while she was still dating another dude, we ended up making out at her cottage. We've since been together for almost a year. The transition was by no means smooth but I blame that mostly on the fact that she already had a boyfriend.

So, yeah, it can be done and I'm pretty pleased with it.

hairscapades wrote:I was friends with my current girlfriend for three years and then, while she was still dating another dude, we ended up making out at her cottage. We've since been together for almost a year. The transition was by no means smooth but I blame that mostly on the fact that she already had a boyfriend.

So, yeah, it can be done and I'm pretty pleased with it.

You're a bad, bad person.

From my experience, I agree with what your female friends are saying. I was friends with a girl for about a year before asking her out. We thought we'd known each other well enough that it would be great. Yeah, wrong. We broke up after two months. Sure, it was a pretty civilized breakup and we made it a point to stay friends, but after our relationship we slowly distanced away from each other and now we barely talk at all :/

Basically what I'm saying is that while dating a long-term friend can work (as in Tanner's case), it's a big risk to take.

Destiny wrote:

hairscapades wrote:I was friends with my current girlfriend for three years and then, while she was still dating another dude, we ended up making out at her cottage. We've since been together for almost a year. The transition was by no means smooth but I blame that mostly on the fact that she already had a boyfriend.

So, yeah, it can be done and I'm pretty pleased with it.

You're a bad, bad person.

You don't know me; you can't ride with this; I feed my babies, etc.

Tanner wrote:stuff

If she'll cheat for you, she'll usually cheat on you.

Tsukatu wrote:The leap out of the Friend Zone is a nearly impossible one to carry out successfully in the short term.
Your best bet is to disconnect for a few years, reinvent yourself, and then come back in as a whole new person in her eyes, and this time keep romance more obviously on the table.
Otherwise, just leave. The world's full of people.

Couldn't agree more. Only thing I can add is that the second option usually works out better.

Destiny wrote:They had it the complete opposite way around. They said that dating a guy you have been friends with for a really long time would be a huge mistake. They seemed to think that it would form barriers in their friendship which they wouldn't want in place. They said that it would sacrifice their friendship. I pointed out to them that they would know that they're a perfect match, and so wouldn't have any barriers. They seemed to be under the impression that all relationships end, and with barriers in place between them and their ex.

I completely agree with your friend. It's much more difficult to transition from a great friendship to a relationship without problems. I get on ridiculously well with my best friend but I wouldn't want anything to happen with her because I don't want to ruin the friendship, and relationships can do that if they turn sour. I'm much happier being really close to her as a friend than anything else.

I hate people that think all relationships end. If you're going into a relationship thinking about the end, then that kind of spoils the point. Just enjoy the relationship; don't think about the barriers and problems, and try to be comfortable around each other.

Note: My parents have been together since they were fifteen. PEACE.

Universezero wrote:I hate people that think all relationships end. If you're going into a relationship thinking about the end, then that kind of spoils the point. Just enjoy the relationship; don't think about the barriers and problems, and try to be comfortable around each other.

Note: My parents have been together since they were fifteen. PEACE.

It's just from experience really. I don't like thinking that relationships always end but that's the way I see it

scythe wrote:

Tanner wrote:stuff

If she'll cheat for you, she'll usually[citation needed] cheat on you.

The possibility of getting fucked around on is a possibility in any relationship. It's not something that I think is a good idea to really dwell on, though.

hairscapades wrote:

scythe wrote:

Tanner wrote:stuff

If she'll cheat for you, she'll usually[citation needed] cheat on you.

The possibility of getting fucked around on is a possibility in any relationship. It's not something that I think is a good idea to really dwell on, though.

Dr. Phil says that statistically a relationship that begins in adultery has an over fifty percent chance to end in adultery within five years.

kamikaze3000 wrote:I completely agree with your friend. It's much more difficult to transition from a great friendship to a relationship without problems. I get on ridiculously well with my best friend but I wouldn't want anything to happen with her because I don't want to ruin the friendship, and relationships can do that if they turn sour. I'm much happier being really close to her as a friend than anything else.

You and me both bro. People constantly thought my best friend and I were going out, even though neither of us wanted anything more. Plus she had an on-and-off boyfriend.

Some of you may remember by woes of love this past year involving a girl at school. She and I never talked, which was the first sign that a relationship wouldn't work out. But if I learned one thing after graduating high school, it's don't be so hard-set on having a girlfriend in high school. Or don't be persistent on one individual. I'm sure it's nice and all, but it's not required. You have to realize that high school = less girls, more parent involvement, and college = more girls, less parent involvement. I think it was best in my case to wait until college to try to get a relationship going. On that note, how exactly does one do that?

Life247 wrote:

kamikaze3000 wrote:I completely agree with your friend. It's much more difficult to transition from a great friendship to a relationship without problems. I get on ridiculously well with my best friend but I wouldn't want anything to happen with her because I don't want to ruin the friendship, and relationships can do that if they turn sour. I'm much happier being really close to her as a friend than anything else.

You and me both bro. People constantly thought my best friend and I were going out, even though neither of us wanted anything more. Plus she had an on-and-off boyfriend.

Some of you may remember by woes of love this past year involving a girl at school. She and I never talked, which was the first sign that a relationship wouldn't work out. But if I learned one thing after graduating high school, it's don't be so hard-set on having a girlfriend in high school. Or don't be persistent on one individual. I'm sure it's nice and all, but it's not required. You have to realize that high school = less girls, more parent involvement, and college = more girls, less parent involvement. I think it was best in my case to wait until college to try to get a relationship going. On that note, how exactly does one do that?

Hah, we have a bit of a joke about people think we're together and try and convince them we are. It's so much fun. She has a boyfriend now but it's still fun.

Drunken hook-ups are your best option :D And then see where you go from there
Alternatively, join societies or sports teams and get to know some girls through that.

kamikaze3000 wrote:Drunken hook-ups are your best option :D And then see where you go from there
Alternatively, join societies or sports teams and get to know some girls through that.

I'm not much of a drinker, social or not. I hope college doesn't change that. But I'm fairly sure I'll join a few organizations. I'll keep you updated. :)

SlappyMcGee wrote:Dr. Phil says that statistically a relationship that begins in adultery has an over fifty percent chance to end in adultery within five years.

He's fat because of all the wisdom he's got inside him. :D

hairscapades wrote:

SlappyMcGee wrote:Dr. Phil says that statistically a relationship that begins in adultery has an over fifty percent chance to end in adultery within five years.

He's fat because of all the wisdom he's got inside him. :D

...it's either that or the cake.

I would agree about people being more likely to cheat on you if they're also willing to cheat for you.

Universezero wrote:I hate people that think all relationships end. If you're going into a relationship thinking about the end, then that kind of spoils the point. Just enjoy the relationship; don't think about the barriers and problems, and try to be comfortable around each other.

Note: My parents have been together since they were fifteen. PEACE.

Couldn't agree more. My parents' 23rd anniversary is tomorrow, and both my mom's parents and dad's parents have been together for over 50 years.

kamikaze3000 wrote:It's just from experience really. I don't like thinking that relationships always end but that's the way I see it

... and how old are you, exactly? No offense, but anything younger than 30 really isn't enough to call yourself experienced in relationships (or life in general, for that matter).

ＭＡＸＸＸＯＮ wrote:... and how old are you, exactly? No offense, but anything younger than 30 really isn't enough to call yourself experienced in relationships (or life in general, for that matter).

20. That doesn't mean I haven't seen plenty of relationships fail and far too many divorces too.

kamikaze3000 wrote:

ＭＡＸＸＸＯＮ wrote:... and how old are you, exactly? No offense, but anything younger than 30 really isn't enough to call yourself experienced in relationships (or life in general, for that matter).

20. That doesn't mean I haven't seen plenty of relationships fail and far too many divorces too.

And I'm not trying to undercut that (my family's had a divorce of its own: aunt and uncle), but last time I heard the divorce rate was well under 50%. Sure, it's a lot higher than it should be, but to say that relationships "always end" just seems a little over-pessimistic to me.

You're right, I am pessimistic about this. It's partly because of the divorce rate being so high which suggests something about the attitude people have to their relationships

kamikaze3000 wrote:You're right, I am pessimistic about this. It's partly because of the divorce rate being so high which suggests something about the attitude people have to their relationships

Some people have that attitude, yes. I would hope that if you're looking for a long-term relationship that's based on more than just sex or looks, then you'd make sure your partner has the same attitude about it. A lot of people make the rash decision to get married after only a few months, and IMO that's a big factor in the high divorce rate. Also, pre-marriage counseling while you're engaged is probably a good idea.