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Some of my friends wanted to see this earlier today, and I was dragged along. I fully expected the film to be marketed toward 14-year olds, but I was still expecting to reluctantly enjoy it. For that reason, I was giving it the benefit of the doubt.
No such luck. The movie is terrible. It's absolutely abysmal. It is stupifyingly bad. I withdraw my declaration that Ultraviolet was legendarily bad -- if you want to see a movie that history will forever know as the biggest let-down from a movie with a Hollywood budget, look no further than Twilight.
Admittedly, I actually had a really good time watching this movie simply because it was so hilariously bad. My friends and I talked pretty much all the way through it, and we were in stitches a good deal of the time.

Where to begin?
There are going to be spoilers here that I won't bother putting in tags. Stop reading if you don't want the movie ruined for you.

As a disclaimer, I don't actually have very high standards for movies. I consider a great deal of movies with consistent hiccups very enjoyable, and many of my friends have joked that I'd enjoy just about anything as long as there's at least a contiguous 5 minutes of entertainment somewhere in the movie. But this also means that when I think a movie is bad, it's got to be bloody awful.

The writers, editors, and anyone else who looked at and approved the script needs to be fired with extreme prejudice. Every bit of dialogue is insanely simplistic and in most cases pointless, there is zero character development, and the viewer is very hard pressed to identify a scene that actually serves much of a purpose. And I mean each of these accusations.
Dialogue between Bella and Edward is something like the following:

BELLA: (nothing at all relevant)
EDWARD: (failure to demonstrate social competence)
There is an extended awkward pause in which BELLA gives a ponderous look that is too easily confused as extreme sluttiness and EDWARD looks like he's about to vomit.

...looped over and over again. There is a beautiful Kodak moment that describes all of the dialogue in the movie perfectly, and that's the shot of Bella and Edward after Edward saves Bella from the five thugs and they start driving away. They're both giving their respective looks that they carry in 80%+ of the entire film and it's one huge awkward silence. My friends and I died laughing; that is the movie, right there.
None of the characters, not even the leads, are ever given more than two dimensions. None of the dialogue is subtle and there is nothing hidden or deep in the slightest; all of it is almost insultingly blunt and direct, or otherwise it's some awkward lines that never end up meaning a thing for any of the characters or the plot.
They seriously may as well have done something like this:

BELLA parks her car and enters the school.
EDWARD: "Hello, Bella. I am very awkward, and I am a vampire."
Freeze frame: the text "protagonist, and also a vampire" appears, and an arrow pointing from the text to EDWARD blinks a few times.
BELLA: "I am infatuated with you." (she turns to the camera) "I am unaware that Edward is a vampire."
EDWARD: "I am infatuated with you, too, and I am a vampire."
BELLA: "Let's be awkward together." (she turns to the camera) "I am still unaware that Edward is a vampire."
EDWARD: "I completely agree, and I am very clearly a vampire."
(EDWARD does vampirey things.)
BELLA: "Thank you for saving my life."
EDWARD: "No problem, and I am a vampire."
BELLA: (to the camera) "I am beginning to suspect that Edward is not human."
EDWARD: "I am a vampire."
BELLA: "Are you a superhero?"
EDWARD: "No, I am a vampire."
BELLA: "What are you then?"
EDWARD: "I am not the good guy; I am the bad guy." (he turns to the camera) "That was a lie. I am very much the good guy." (he turns back to Bella) "Specifically, I am a vampire."
BELLA: (to the camera) "I am beginning to suspect that Edward is a vampire."

And so on. It's absolutely agonizing.

JACOB: "Hello, Bella, and I am very clearly a werewolf. Look at my wacky canines."
BELLA: "What do you have against Edward, anyway?"
JACOB: "I am a werewolf."
BELLA: "I am convinced that you are a normal human being."
JACOB: "Everyone in my tribe is a werewolf. I am in my tribe; I am also a werewolf. We are all werewolves."
BELLA: "I have no reason to believe that you are more than human."

There is no subtle hint-dropping. Everything is plain as day, and the characters must all be severely braindead not to pick up on the frequent, explicit hints being dropped.
But above all else, one of my friends and I talked a bit about how amazed we were that the movie remained consistently terrible for so long. Naturally, even many good movies have some bad parts, but in Twilight, it's a fucking marathon. You think at first that it just starts out kinda bad, but it never picks up. In fact, for the most part, it just gets worse. The first 2/3 of the movie is horribly stagnant and can be described as one extended awkward pause, and the rest is just utter failure at pretending to be an action movie.
Besides which, the actor who played Edward gave possibly the most underwhelming performance I've ever seen in a Hollywood film, barring (but still scarily close to) Hayden Christensen's miserable performance as Anakin Skywalker.
And finally, I just do not understand how a number of people can look at the pre- and post-production of this movie and say, "yep, this is at least minimally acceptable." I bet the actors were shaking their heads in shame at the premiere and despairing about how irrevocably fucked their acting careers now are.

There's just so much to say that all threads into every other issue one might have with the movie that I'm certain I'm forgetting much of what I wanted to say. But still, this was only about technicalities. Now onto the story...
Edward is 107 years old. Bella is 17. When does that suddenly become okay? Furthermore, why is Edward still an insufferable toolbag even though he's been stuck in high school for the last 90 years of his life? What ever happened to social grace, or a dominating presence? Every feature of Edward and every behaviorism he shows makes him out to be a total twat. There is extremely little that is redeeming about him as a person.
And what exactly is Bella's problem? Why does she fall head-over-heels with an anti-social, almost preternaturally awkward, whiny, mascara-wearing emo cunt? Furthermore, why does she trust him in the first place?
Imagine there's a supremely creepy dude you've only known for a month who you have never seen do or act in any way that would make you think he's a trustworthy or otherwise good person. Next, he stalks you into the woods, threatens your life, and then tells you that he's never wanted to kill someone so badly as he wants to kill you. Got that? Now why in the Nine Hells would your reaction be to put your arms around him and declare that you trust him completely? Why would you do this? Are you mental? Are you completely fucking mental? This is not a response you would expect from someone with a shred of sanity.
Besides which, he'd make a terribly inconvenient boyfriend anyway. He's always skulking and being a reclusive emo fag packet, his family is completely fucking insane and unstable, and he can't approach you without fearing that his desire to drain you like a juice box will completely overpower him. Shit, he doesn't even own a bed. He's a stalker. He's 107 years old. He hasn't ever learned to be more social in all that time on this planet, which pretty much guarantees that you've found a world-class total loser. He only ever looks like he's about to vomit. His hair style looks like he lays down in front of a cow every morning with food in his hair. He drives a Daewoo. Yes, a century-old vampire drives a fucking Daewoo.
Why can't Edward read Bella's mind? Why is that never explained? What happened to Bella's mother after the only badass vampire in the entire fucking movie gets his hands on her? Why is there an implication that there's going to be a sequel? Who in their right mind would fund a sequel to this garbage?
Remember "that fucking chihuahua movie?" That got consistently better reviews than this piece of shit. God fucking damnit. I hate everything right now. What the hell is the matter with the world? AAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHH.

Yeah... i never knew about that movie until i saw this thread, i take it i will not see it then. Thanks much :D

I saw this topic and I just knew it was going to be a kick-ass tower post. And it was. I lol'd several times.

Rumor on the street is, there's a teenage vampire movie out called Låt den Rätte Komma In (Let the Right One In), and it's really good. How's that for irony?

I never really knew what this story was about, but since mostly girls were reading it I assumed it was some romantic novel, so me and my friends decided to see James Bond over this. Seems like that was a good decision.

Tsukatu wrote:I bet the actors were shaking their heads in shame at the premiere and despairing about how irrevocably fucked their acting careers now are.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uyj_JorNSLU

I've heard that this was a romantic novel, so I haven't read it. If you say the movie is so horrific, I guess I won't be seeing that either. Unless I feel like having a good laugh.

I knew it from the day that I heard the movie was coming out was going to be a horrible representation of the book. I just knew it.

Funny stuff there though.

EDIT: And also, I think the book is worth reading over a bit.

ahahaha. tsukatu makes a topic about Twilight. and what else fills it? ha. anyway, i haven't read the book or seen the movie. i'm trying to see portions of the movie just to see how bad it is. i've read parts of the book, and i have to agree with you. it's pretty horrible.

I've been keeping track of everyone I've met who has said they liked Twilight, and avoiding them. Such a terrible movie.

Goddammit, everywhere I turn, Twilight is everywhere like Pokemon was 10 years ago. Facebook, school, that's all kids talk about. Enough already. BTW- Great post, Suki.

The movie was probably one of the most anticipated movies of this year, and also one of the most disappointing.
I haven't watched it, but one of my friends, a Twilight addict, said the only thing kept here watching was the fact that Edward Cullen was in the movie, not the movie itself.

Tsukatu, in the future, take all film reviews to Film Roll.

We are trying to expand the project.

"...drain you like a juice box..."

Gahahahahahahahaha.

it stole harry potter 6's release date. now we have to wait another few months, which sucks. boo twilight. i dont care how good the books were, me want half blood prince >.<

The books aren't even that good.

Off on a bit of a tangent, I started reading this book last night, because my girlfriend really enjoyed it, and I thought it'd be nice to read the same thing for a change. She doesn't really 'get' Douglas R Holfstadter. I read half of it, and must point out that it's probably the least descriptive book I've ever read, barring perhaps Hop on Pop. Ergo, I assume the movie could play out so many different ways, due to a complete lack of any real characterization on the part of the author. And we know how rare it is that a screenplay rivals or beats out the bookfrom which it is adapted. I assume I'm going to see this with my girlfriend, and although I'll probably enjoy it on some real level, not just in a mocking way, due to my ability to get lost in pretty much any story, I'll still have a few things to say about it.

book (i read about halfway then had to give it back) was alright, though i really do not see what everyone sees in her descriptions. some people i know rave about how good they are. i agree with alex, it seemed almost nondescript half the time, with the rest being a drawn out image of how perfect edward was. maybe thats why most of the girls like it, but for me as a bisexual male he wasnt attractive. i suppose i must need flaws in a person. ill see it anyway, for some laughs, but thanks for the heads up tsuki, and a brilliant read. best post for a while, and you go up in my expectations again :D

oh, and leave the emos alone, we dont all fail as hard as pattinson apparently does..

Tsukatu wrote:Edward is 107 years old. Bella is 17.

Just like New and Used.

eganic wrote:it stole harry potter 6's release date. now we have to wait another few months, which sucks. boo twilight. i dont care how good the books were, me want half blood prince >.<

Really? Where'd you hear that?

why would you want to see half-blood prince? also, I've talk to people, and, it looks like most boys dislike it, and most girls act like the Twilight series is their crack. I haven't read the books, and don't want to, I like the idea of characters having more detail then; "so-and-so was a female, they were not a vampire, they were 17"

but, hey, that's me. If the minor characters were described like that, whatever, that's all they need, but, come on, a main character should have to themselves then their age, gender, and weither or not they are human

Of course it was bound to be shite. It's aimed at tweens. They don't go out of their way to look for good actors: they go out of their way to look for a 'cute' guy to play the lead without any regard for the quality of the movie. A great example of this is 'High School Musical' and Zac Efron. That film was a complete and utter pile of tripe, but teenage girls in their masses flocked to the cinema to catch a glimpse of 'the gorgeous male lead.' It's insulting.

gloomp wrote:Rumor on the street is, there's a teenage vampire movie out called Låt den Rätte Komma In (Let the Right One In), and it's really good. How's that for irony?

Mentioning that movie in the same thread as Twilight just doesn't do it justice. It's brilliant in every aspect, and appears to have everything that Tsukata mentions Twilight is missing such as beautiful, subtle dialect, brilliant character development and a completely engaging story. The best movie I have seen this year, by far.

Skyline wrote:"...drain you like a juice box..."

Gahahahahahahahaha.

I know, right?

As vampire expert from the begining (Vlad Tepish), I feel I must comment. I don't even want to get into why a vampire would feel the need to go to highschool more than one time, but how he went about going. As is common knowledge, vampires BURN UP when they are hit by sunlight. I investigated, and found that in Twilight, they simply "sparkle." SPARKLE?! Vampires burst into a flame so hot, it puts a magnesium fire to shame, and they just sparkle? Another thing is, just as in True Blood (which is pretty good), there are vampires that are more or less evil then others. The only thing that bothers me about that is, Where are the 'good' vampires feeding from? I was informed that they have chosen to be "vegitarians". Also, as per the graphic novel 30 Days of Night (very good), the vampires do not bite, they just tear into you. That is all well and good, but they still have to have fangs (which Twilight seems void of). So, let's recap. Immunity to sunlight, no fangs, vegitarians. They sound even less vampirish than a normal person, as they seem to only be vampires in their head, and they don't age.
WHAT THE HELL WENT THROUGH THEIR MINDS? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT A MOVIE (OR BOOK) ABOUT VAMPIRES IS SO DEVOID OF VAMPIRE FACTS?
I have nothing left to say about this atrocity, except that I hope it will not leave a stain on vampire movies that will be hard to overcome in the near future.

to be fair, they're not vegetarians, they drink animal blood instead of human. I read the book over the summer, (I was bored and there was nothing else to read, fyi) and I'd say it was bad, but it doesn't really deserve all the shit it gets. It really wasn't that terrible.

Brainwasher wrote:As vampire expert from the begining (Vlad Tepish), I feel I must comment. I don't even want to get into why a vampire would feel the need to go to highschool more than one time, but how he went about going. As is common knowledge, vampires BURN UP when they are hit by sunlight. I investigated, and found that in Twilight, they simply "sparkle." SPARKLE?! Vampires burst into a flame so hot, it puts a magnesium fire to shame, and they just sparkle? Another thing is, just as in True Blood (which is pretty good), there are vampires that are more or less evil then others. The only thing that bothers me about that is, Where are the 'good' vampires feeding from? I was informed that they have chosen to be "vegitarians". Also, as per the graphic novel 30 Days of Night (very good), the vampires do not bite, they just tear into you. That is all well and good, but they still have to have fangs (which Twilight seems void of). So, let's recap. Immunity to sunlight, no fangs, vegitarians. They sound even less vampirish than a normal person, as they seem to only be vampires in their head, and they don't age.
WHAT THE HELL WENT THROUGH THEIR MINDS? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT A MOVIE (OR BOOK) ABOUT VAMPIRES IS SO DEVOID OF VAMPIRE FACTS?
I have nothing left to say about this atrocity, except that I hope it will not leave a stain on vampire movies that will be hard to overcome in the near future.

Dude, vampires aren't real.