Impacts on your life - A Journal Entry of Sorts

[kkstrong]

It's amazing how the random people you see everyday somehow change your life.

To preface this story, I must say I am enrolled in a College in North San Diego. I am working towards getting an AA, then transferring over to a UC. My grandmother is currently paying for all my tuition, and tuition related expenses (which is under $1000 per semester, since it’s a community college). However, as terrible and as heartbreaking as it is to say, I doubt my grandmother will make it all the way to my next graduation in 2 - 4 years. Not to say that money is the reason I want my grandmother to live, I think out of my entire family, I have the deepest connection with her. My family has three people in it going to college at the current time, and each has two people splitting the costs of tuition, etc. My cousin has her mother and my uncle, my half-brother has my aunt and his father, and I have my grandmother. (My mother was supposed to split the costs with my grandmother, but for some reason has but me off completely, I think I have offended her in some way, but I have no clue. My mother is the kind of person to hold a grudge and never let go, hence all the lawsuits of which she is a plaintiff, so whatever I have done, it could have been years ago, considering her attitude to me all these years.) Anyways, yes, my grandmother is single handedly paying the tuition for my college, which I really don't think is fair, but I don't think there is a whole lot I can do about it. During the summer semester of college (I intend to be doing school year round), I am taking two classes, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. As I don't own a car, I get up early and bike to the train, and take the train to college. Overall its only about 1 - 2 miles of bike riding one way, so it’s not so bad. After I am through with my classes, I go out job hunting, a condition of me living in my Uncle's house. When I get home after job hunting, I am quite spent, my day being about 5am - 5pm, getting up at the crack of dawn, and getting home just in time for dinner. Right now, that is my day.

Now the story I am intending to tell shall proceed as intended. On the weekends I go out job hunting more, which has proved to be quite difficult. My uncle has described job hunting as thus, "Job hunting is like asking out a girl, only with a lower success rate." I have to agree there, before you ask to see a hiring manager to ask for a job, I have the experience of getting the butterflies in the pit of my stomach, I get sweaty, and overall its just a scary feeling for me. I don't know if it is like that for everyone else, but it sure is for me. My voice gets higher and higher when talking to the manager, until I start to notice it and immediately lower my voice, to which has proven to be a funny experience for the managers I have spoken with. Me? I find it anything but funny, perhaps I will laugh on the experience when it is all over. At least in the experiences I have had in asking out a girl (Of which I admit is not a huge deal of experience), my voice doesn't seem to get subconsciously higher; this is definitely a new quirk for me. Anyways, off the sidetrack, that isn't my story, although a nice (and slightly disgusting) anecdote.

Today after job hunting, I got on the train only to find out that I was going in the wrong direction, it was a new place for me, and the train only went in one direction (as it was one track, it was an alternating train schedule, so since the train is an east/west train stopping every half hour, you can only expect it to go the correct way on the hour), so the mistake is understandable. So once I realized I was going east, and needed to be going west, I got off that the next stop. Thankfully I only went one stop before realizing. So I got off the the train, and crossed the tracks to get on the other side, where the entrance doors would be next time the train passed. If I am to paint a picture for you of the setting, the train stop is basically a concrete walkway, with a beige painted concrete awning over beige painted concrete seats. There were already 4 people at the train stop, so I sat on the far left. Going to my right, the person over was an unhomely man, he clearly had some sort of mental disease (which is a very common thing among the people who take the train anywhere). The people to the right of him, a child and her rather elderly mother (or grandmother), both of Indian descent (India, not Ancient America), who has been minding their own business. Finally the last person at the other side of the bench was a young african-american man, perhaps aged 20. He was also minding his own business, listening to his iPod. All of a sudden the man right next to me, the unhomely man (long uncombed beard, torn and dirt stained clothes, etc.) got up and started making this sound over and over. The sound is rather difficult to describe, is sounded like the scoffing you might make to well up some spit if you had a particularly dry mouth. The sounds kept getting longer. As I said before, mentally diseased people on the train (or at the stops) is not an uncommon occurrence, so the people including myself just ignored him, and went back to our individual businesses (I was playing Stick wars on my iPhone). The man began with me, I don’t know if he was deaf or something, but he started making hand gestures at me, and to a ways down my left. It was possible he had some sort of paranoia attack, if he had something happen to him. I don't know what was wrong with him but there something was certainly wrong, judging by his facial expressions.

He became very close to me, to the point of where I was scared that he might be preparing to attack me. So I put down my iPhone into my pocket, slowly, so as not to incite the up and coming attack even more quickly. I started running in my head what I might do should be come and attack me. I was thinking to myself, "mentally diseased or not, if he attacks me, I am going to fight back, and at least protect myself." I was hoping that the people next to me would help me out if this guy started to begin to try and hurt me, even being complete strangers. I began to run all the wrestling moves that I had learned in the previous three years (even if I am very technically challenged, it’s all I got. I didn't really want to punch this guy, if he attacked me; I want him on the ground, where he could not continue his attack. No matter what state of mind he possesses, and even if he tries to hurt me, I don't want to hurt him (or try) back, I just want to forestall his onslaught, nothing less, nothing more. Keep in mind this is all happening in a matter of seconds and minutes, so there isn't very much time to think of all the possible outcomes. Rather quickly, even suddenly, this man moves on from me to the woman and her child. I am still thinking this man is a threat to me, and the people around me, so I am watching him will eagle eyes. Keep in mind that the people he is giving attention to now (in the same way he was to me just moments before) are an old lady and a young toddler girl. I was thinking that these two women are fairly defenseless, and both are scared like I was just seconds ago. At this point the african-american young man was also on high alert (He had still been off in his own world during my account of the episode). We were both ready to leap into action should this guy do so much lay a finger on either of them. I was worried about child abduction, or that he would grab the little toddler and throw her on the train tracks or some action of the sort. Neither of us really knew what was going on, but neither of us wanted to act unless the man physically provoked any more than he was already. Accordingly, we were eyeing each other as if to be telling each other exactly what we were thinking as it was happening even without words. Thinking back on this, it is really incredible how in a moment of urgency and danger, all of your abilities seem to magically enhance themselves (not just physical attributes, but mental clarity as well). I tend to think of myself as an uncommonly unperceptive person, as I can rarely understand what people are thinking by just looking at them, but at this time I could. After about 2 minutes giving those attention (which was about how long he was to me), he moved on the young man to the left of them. That’s when I started to calm slightly, knowing that this guy was able bodied (significantly more than myself), and could handle the attack should it present itself. Still I was ready to help out the guy, but it was somewhat relieving knowing that the man had a much higher ability to protect himself than the previous two. Strangely enough, after about two minutes giving attention to the man, the guy just stopped. He walked quietly, with his head down, and sat. For the remainder of the time he looked forward, didn't make a sound, didn't even blink. I would have left (in order to keep myself safe), had the woman and child not been there. But I felt it necessary that I stay should trouble arise again. On the train there are 4 seats that are all next to each other. It is generally very uncommon for strangers to sit next to each other, but all four of us sat next to each other, just to make sure that that man didn't sit near any of us. We sat in the same order as in the station when waiting before, the two men were on the outside (near the isle), and the two women were in the middle.

That being said, it took a while for me to realize this, but this was very much a learning experience for me. For the past two years, I have been decidedly agnostic (meaning, there is a god out there, but not necessarily its not necessarily the god, emphasis on the "the."), and been set against believing in the God for a while now. This has been ever since my mother said she didn't love me anymore. I think at that point, the religious part of me died, and I tried desperately to replace it with scientific notions such as "Prove it." However due to this experience, I have had religious feels struck back up in me for some reason. Now I'm not saying that I believe in god (yet?), but I think I may be on the path to trusting him again, and perhaps even rediscovering my faith. Not only that, I believe this experience has taught me another part about myself. I believe I made the right choices in this endeavor, and I think the biggest piece of this for me has been me learning exactly what kind of man I want to be. I am certainly less worried about my future than I was before now that I have seen how I might act in a time of such crisis. I know now, through this scary experience, that people you see everyday have can have a huge impact on your life for the better or worse. Thankfully, I believe this experience was for the better.

[Lenny]

Hmm. A well-written journal, I must say. I can't really comment on it, other than "well... yes". It's a tiny bit out of my world, at the moment... but certainly an interesting religious touch. Also...

Thinking back on this, it is really incredible how in a moment of urgency and danger, all of your abilities seem to magically enhance themselves (not just physical attributes, but mental clarity as well)

That would be the adrenalin. It's a wonderful "animal instinct" sort of thing.

[Seneschal]

Quite well written, but the sudden link to religion mystified me. It just seemed so random, so unconnected with the actual story. I'm not going to argue about this, since it isn't in the debate forum, but faith isn't necessarily a good thing, and (from an atheist's point of view) especially not faith in divine entities. I would be extremely hesitant before attributing happy occurrences like this to anything other than general good will to fellow humans etc.

[SlappyMcGee]

Yeah, this story seemed to be told well, right up until the ending. You brought up threads like your college tuition, your mother, your job hunt. But instead of any of those things resolving, or even enhancing the story, (well, okay, the mother thing did.), they sat to the wayside as an unrelated event happened, described in great detail, where little actually happened, and you have decided that because of this, there might be a (Christian?) God? I don't know what the link in your brain was, unless you're just feeling the warmth of Christ in your heart or whatever. I think it's far more likely that you're trying to cope with all of the things in your life; when your mother told you she didn't love you, you probably felt causality and didn't want to deal or face your problems at all. Now, you've put all of your problems into perspective, and they seem like a long, hard road ahead, and you're looking for somebody (Christian?) to shoulder the blame. If you ever need to talk, I'm around.

That being said, this journal entry was just that, and maybe it should have stayed there.

[Skyling]

Why do so many people make the incredulous connection between some random humanistic occurrence and religion?

[t̷s͢uk̕a͡t͜ư]

I disagree with all the people who said it was well written. It came across like you were trying too hard to be eloquent and ended up unintentionally saying some ridiculous things.
As for the content...
I've had a number of similar experiences in my life, so I do think I'm qualified to comment. There have been a number of times that I've made an unspoken agreement with a complete stranger that we'd take action if a certain third, less stable party became violent, especially when there were women and children present. But I've never honestly thought about religion or spirituality after the fact. Instead, I get the refreshing feeling that I'm not as justified in being a misanthropic elitist prick, and that any average person can relate to me effortlessly when circumstances like those you've described are present. I feel more that people are more amazing than I give them credit for, and I feel closer to humanity in general.
But to bring religion into the mix really cheapens all of that. What happened was the result of humans being awesome, and to give some spiritual reason that it worked that way takes that credit away from the people involved. If any of the strangers I banded together with thought that God had put us all there to help whoever we were helping, I'd be very disappointed, because bringing God into a situation that doesn't need Him takes away from the good will shown by the individual people involved. I helped because I wanted to, not because God planned for me to be there to reluctantly help someone.
If anything, I really hope that that Indian woman and her child got something meaningful from the experience, too, and not some religious bullshit about God sending two angels to help her. I hope she leaves with better faith in humanity instead of HOLY SHIT my fart smells like gasoline. What the hell did I eat that would make it smell like that? Christ, it's fucking overpowering. Dear Lord. Ugh, what was I saying? Right... I hope the Indian woman leaves with better faith in humanity instead of a misplaced accreditation to a God who was never involved (why was the crazy hobo there to begin with if God was looking out for her?). Many foreigners with conservative mannerisms can feel like the world is out to get them, and believing that God saved them from the overwhelming evil that day only feeds that delusion.

[SlappyMcGee]

Yeah, I like what Tsukatu is saying here. Logic follows that humanity is so shitty, that when humanity does something nice, it must be God intervening? I think it's more like we have realize that there are two sides to people, and we can sit here and think they're all shitheads, but some of those shitheads would fight deranged homeless men for us.

[kkstrong]

I didn't mean the story to be about religion or about my thinking I might be on the path to finding god (which I still can't get myself to believe yet as much as I would like to). What I meant from the story to come across as more important was that I think I found an essential part of myself teaching me about the man I would like to become. That's what I would have really liked to hit home, even if unspoken.


...And the kind of people I would like to believe others are no matter race, religion, or creed.

[yungerkid]

From the last paragraph, I got the impression that this whole experience just opened your mind to the possibility that God might be guiding you through life. Or that you gained confidence, in yourself and in humanity. It sounds like you just were inspired by the synergy created when working with people you had never met before, for a common goal that you wordlessly agreed upon. I didn't really see from the narrative what values were taught by the event - you drew the connection to religion, and implied that you found a connection with the world, but was that the final lesson? I enjoyed reading the narrative, though, for its story content.

[bobaganuesh_2]

amazing how the world works. of course someone would look to God when trying to explain some phenomenom that seems to be an unexplainable enigma. I certainly think Agnosticism deals with this, whether these enigmas can be credited to God/gods or plain science. Well I'm glad you learned something kkstrong. These moments come in bursts, but for a good reason I would think.

[SlappyMcGee]

Why ugg boots are so popular in the world?
From Australia the boots found their way to L.A. and once they hit the states, they hit the UK and the rest of the world. Today UGG boots are seen donned by "fashionable" mums doing the school run or pushing their children down the aisles of the supermarket, hoards of teenagers hitting the shops, lurking behind oversized holdalls and even more oversized sunglasses and recently men, often clocked with tracksuits tucked into their pair of snuggies.
www.ugg-boots-sale.us
UGG appeals to such a wide and demanding consumer audience. The only downside appears to be the poor spin offs now being mass produced for a quarter of the price, although, and I hasten to add, these cheap imitations do tend to look just that. So that the UGG boots are so popular in the world.

LOLS NO PIE IN KKSTRONG FORUM LOSER

[T3chno]

Why ugg boots are so popular in the world?
From Australia the boots found their way to L.A. and once they hit the states, they hit the UK and the rest of the world. Today UGG boots are seen donned by "fashionable" mums doing the school run or pushing their children down the aisles of the supermarket, hoards of teenagers hitting the shops, lurking behind oversized holdalls and even more oversized sunglasses and recently men, often clocked with tracksuits tucked into their pair of snuggies.
www.ugg-boots-sale.us
UGG appeals to such a wide and demanding consumer audience. The only downside appears to be the poor spin offs now being mass produced for a quarter of the price, although, and I hasten to add, these cheap imitations do tend to look just that. So that the UGG boots are so popular in the world.

I prefer to use a trusted source for my Australian Ugg related needs.

Oh, and gtfo.

[ChaoStar]

Life, is a balloon. See, you start off as a wee little deflated balloon, and you inflate, over the years. The older you get, you get to go higher. Yay! Of course, in the end... you pop. So that's pretty depressing. In the end, Life is a struggle to reach the highest point, before you pop. On the way, you can see nice sights, pass by birds, go through storms... hardships and pleasure alike. Balloons are deep. Don't underestimate them. =D

[maya]

I found that entry really well written, and touching in a way. I was also confused about the sudden stance on religion at the end, but I guess it was a "you had to be there" moment. I wouldn't say I believe in that particular 'God' portrayed in the bible and such, but I like to keep an open mind and I definitely believe in something.

Anyway, this was a nice story and your grandma seems really nice to be single-handedly paying for your college fees and it sounds like you are making every second count of the chance, which is awesome. :)

[KlanKaos]

Life, is a balloon. See, you start off as a wee little deflated balloon, and you inflate, over the years. The older you get, you get to go higher. Yay! Of course, in the end... you pop. So that's pretty depressing. In the end, Life is a struggle to reach the highest point, before you pop. On the way, you can see nice sights, pass by birds, go through storms... hardships and pleasure alike. Balloons are deep. Don't underestimate them. =D

That had pretty much nothing to do with the journal entry, did it? That seemed more like a very, very general and vague metaphor about balloons than anything relevant. =P