Unfinished business
Posted: 2010.06.12 (17:14)
So I was kind wondering about whether or not to write this, because I know that it's the sort of thing that would make Atramentis face- slap pretty hard if he ever decided to visit the forum on another death anniversary occasion or something like that. But meh, why not. No big either way. Anyway, this is a sort- of apology for faking somebody's death and a sort- of manifesto on not taking things seriously, sort- of discussion about online communities, and a sort- of autobiographical ramble I might as well put out into the internet.
I started playing N... man, I can't remember. A long time ago. 2003 or something, back when the five column version had just come out. The beginning of year 9, I think, and I'm third year uni right now. I played it a bit, not much, for a few weeks. And then this girl I'd been crushing on for over two years decided to go out with a sort- of friend of mine, at a time when I only really had sort- of friends. A pretty big deal if you're a hormonal- as- fuck young teenage boy and at one point the two of you seemed to be hitting it off and you'd wanted to go out with her for years. I went home, tried not to cry, and played N instead. A lot of N. And over the next few days I finished it. Back then I didn't know about Ned, so I forgot about it for a while.
At some point I discovered Numa and Ned, got really excited, and made Towerful, my first map. And I remember Kablizzy was the first person to make a comment, and was kind and helpful and it seemed really nice. This age was pretty miserable for me, the socially retarded loner school kid I was. I was actually on friendly terms with most people, but there wasn't anywhere I fit, so I spent my time at school pretty much isolated and alone, and I was filled with over- dramatic parental angst, so I was pretty much lonely most of the time. NUMA, and eventually the Metanet Forums, started becoming my social life. Something I was invested in, and cared about, and looked forward to way too much. And the weird thing was how much it felt like a community. I think it might have been something to do with how the community evolved- around a small group of people who had been there from the start- but iunno. In any case, it was relatively big, and new members were joining all the time, but it was managed by this group of mods and old- timers who participated, got to know people, and grounded everything, and it somehow worked really well.
I'm a bit hazy about the order of what happened next in my life- at some point I met this other girl, from a different school, and we got talking, and we flirted, and we started seeing each other most weekends for six months. Then, inexplicably, after we go to a comedy show together and I resolve that the next time I see her I'll ask her out, she disappears off the face of the earth. This corresponds to another peak of activity on NUMA and the forums.
One lunch time I was working on an essay in the library, got bored, and decided to design a trap- filled pyramid level I never ended up submitting, and this kid in the year above me with ridiculously long hair, tied neatly back in a ponytail, wonders over and is all "oh. Wow. You know about N and Ned." I say something along the lines of "Yeah, it's awesome. Do you know about NUMA?", and it emerges that we both know each other's online persona. He's pretty much one of the most interesting people I've met. (This is still true. I've never met anybody else with a mind that works even remotely like his, and the times we spend programming text- based zombie birthday adventures or playing Mahjong in formal attire and talking about human centipedes have led to some of the weirdest and most interesting conversations I've ever had.) Very gradually he becomes a friend, and very gradually I accumulate other friends, and the groups overlap and intermingle and I wind up with a real- life community of people around me, but not for a few years yet.
The first girl I mentioned, who I was still hung up on, breaks up with her boyfriend and is left partner- less for the school debutante ball. Being more or less the only guy left in the year level without a date, she asks me. The next five months of dance practice are confusing as hell, and we seem to get close- as friends, or possibly something else, or possibly just friends, and the whole thing ends with a respectable portion of the year level believing we're together and a few people who know we aren't telling me she's probably into me and I should ask her out. I ask her to meet up over the holidays. Long story short, she turns me down, and I retreat into the metanet community again.
I'm also a pretty horrible member of said community. Self- righteous, arrogant, taking myself and everything way too seriously... everything I've reread on NUMA from myself back then is so bloody cringe- worthy. I couldn't understand why some of the people were idolised so much by everybody, how the forum dynamic worked, why (to me) so many people were so shitty and irritating and self- righteous, arrogant, doucheish, but still universally loved. I'd get huffy and leave. And come back. And leave. And come back. And leave. And the joke wore thin really quickly.
Re- enter second girl, six months of not- quite dating, and then the relationship I'm still in. Also a real- life group of people I was friends with, and happier times in general. And then enter Atramentis' idea on day that, for lols, we fake his death.
I didn't want anything to do with the community any more. I hated the way it felt like it was sucking my life and how seriously I was taking it when I was beginning to understand it wasn't anything worth taking seriously. So we did. And we both felt kinda shit about it right afterwards, but then it started being funny, and now it's a neat piece of shared history. And for once I didn't feel like I needed NUMA or the Metanet Forums or anything like that. I had a girl who was about to become my girlfriend, I had friends, and I didn't have any need for an online community at all. Anyway, faking Atramentis' death taught me how to stop taking everything so seriously, which was actually a pretty neat life lesson.
I was clean for a few months, and then some stuff came up, to do with her acting and my jealousy and all of these hang- ups I had about all of the stuff she had to do on- screen. This recurred. A lot. And it took the better part of four years of being together before I could move past it to the point where it's not an issue any more. And I was miserable and lonely and filled with angst, so I came back. And then, you know, I loosened up, became less socially retarded, friendships developed more, I left the horrible atmosphere and connotations of school, and I stopped needing a virtual community. So I stopped logging on. And then Jared had the idea that, for lols, we reveal that we faked his death on his two year death day anniversary. A few laughs are had, and that's it. No more Metanet for 2 years.
I came back this time because the flat- out most beautiful (and French- speaking!) girl I'd ever seen, and the girl I'd spent some months sorta flirting with in a not- serious way moved overseas, and even though I loved the life I have living with my current girlfriend, it brought back all of these familiar high- school feelings. And the last time I'd had them, I'd doused them in N. So I thought, for laughs, I might as well try the same thing. Whatever. It was actually quite a bit of fun, but I'm over it now, and I'm not really having any fun arranging tiles and drones any more.
And I realised a few things:
1. Even when I wasn't faking a friend's death, I was such a dick.
2. I'm not a dick any more.
3. What an amazing accomplishment the Metanet community was in the first place.
Kurt Vonnegut wrote some interesting essays about loneliness in the modern, market- driven world, and how he thinks people deal with it- religious communities, drug culture, large families, and a bunch of other stuff. I think internet communities are partly another aspect of this. I could never meet any of my family beyond my parents and sister. I was a socially retarded loner in high- school without any close friends. I wasn't religious. And, correspondingly, this one weird internet community would up filling everything, and becoming this disproportionately huge part of my life. And I only really think I understand why now.
Anyway. Self- indulgent autobiography over, there are a few things I want to say-
1. Jesus christ I was a dick. I mean, seriously. What the hell was wrong with me?
2. What metanet had- any maybe still has, iunno- is pretty damn amazing. I don't really care if I'm a part of it any more, but still. It's really cool to think that a place like this can exist inside the internet.
3. There was never much to be pissed off about. I had this screwed up idea of NUMA and the forums, and- well- Jesus. I was such a dick.
4. Hey, sorry about that whole FAKING SOMEBODY'S DEATH ONLINE thing. That probably wasn't cool.
I'll probably do my part for Vehemence and then be off for a bit. Catch you all the next time a pretty girl or pretty guy makes me sad.
Thanks for being.
I started playing N... man, I can't remember. A long time ago. 2003 or something, back when the five column version had just come out. The beginning of year 9, I think, and I'm third year uni right now. I played it a bit, not much, for a few weeks. And then this girl I'd been crushing on for over two years decided to go out with a sort- of friend of mine, at a time when I only really had sort- of friends. A pretty big deal if you're a hormonal- as- fuck young teenage boy and at one point the two of you seemed to be hitting it off and you'd wanted to go out with her for years. I went home, tried not to cry, and played N instead. A lot of N. And over the next few days I finished it. Back then I didn't know about Ned, so I forgot about it for a while.
At some point I discovered Numa and Ned, got really excited, and made Towerful, my first map. And I remember Kablizzy was the first person to make a comment, and was kind and helpful and it seemed really nice. This age was pretty miserable for me, the socially retarded loner school kid I was. I was actually on friendly terms with most people, but there wasn't anywhere I fit, so I spent my time at school pretty much isolated and alone, and I was filled with over- dramatic parental angst, so I was pretty much lonely most of the time. NUMA, and eventually the Metanet Forums, started becoming my social life. Something I was invested in, and cared about, and looked forward to way too much. And the weird thing was how much it felt like a community. I think it might have been something to do with how the community evolved- around a small group of people who had been there from the start- but iunno. In any case, it was relatively big, and new members were joining all the time, but it was managed by this group of mods and old- timers who participated, got to know people, and grounded everything, and it somehow worked really well.
I'm a bit hazy about the order of what happened next in my life- at some point I met this other girl, from a different school, and we got talking, and we flirted, and we started seeing each other most weekends for six months. Then, inexplicably, after we go to a comedy show together and I resolve that the next time I see her I'll ask her out, she disappears off the face of the earth. This corresponds to another peak of activity on NUMA and the forums.
One lunch time I was working on an essay in the library, got bored, and decided to design a trap- filled pyramid level I never ended up submitting, and this kid in the year above me with ridiculously long hair, tied neatly back in a ponytail, wonders over and is all "oh. Wow. You know about N and Ned." I say something along the lines of "Yeah, it's awesome. Do you know about NUMA?", and it emerges that we both know each other's online persona. He's pretty much one of the most interesting people I've met. (This is still true. I've never met anybody else with a mind that works even remotely like his, and the times we spend programming text- based zombie birthday adventures or playing Mahjong in formal attire and talking about human centipedes have led to some of the weirdest and most interesting conversations I've ever had.) Very gradually he becomes a friend, and very gradually I accumulate other friends, and the groups overlap and intermingle and I wind up with a real- life community of people around me, but not for a few years yet.
The first girl I mentioned, who I was still hung up on, breaks up with her boyfriend and is left partner- less for the school debutante ball. Being more or less the only guy left in the year level without a date, she asks me. The next five months of dance practice are confusing as hell, and we seem to get close- as friends, or possibly something else, or possibly just friends, and the whole thing ends with a respectable portion of the year level believing we're together and a few people who know we aren't telling me she's probably into me and I should ask her out. I ask her to meet up over the holidays. Long story short, she turns me down, and I retreat into the metanet community again.
I'm also a pretty horrible member of said community. Self- righteous, arrogant, taking myself and everything way too seriously... everything I've reread on NUMA from myself back then is so bloody cringe- worthy. I couldn't understand why some of the people were idolised so much by everybody, how the forum dynamic worked, why (to me) so many people were so shitty and irritating and self- righteous, arrogant, doucheish, but still universally loved. I'd get huffy and leave. And come back. And leave. And come back. And leave. And the joke wore thin really quickly.
Re- enter second girl, six months of not- quite dating, and then the relationship I'm still in. Also a real- life group of people I was friends with, and happier times in general. And then enter Atramentis' idea on day that, for lols, we fake his death.
I didn't want anything to do with the community any more. I hated the way it felt like it was sucking my life and how seriously I was taking it when I was beginning to understand it wasn't anything worth taking seriously. So we did. And we both felt kinda shit about it right afterwards, but then it started being funny, and now it's a neat piece of shared history. And for once I didn't feel like I needed NUMA or the Metanet Forums or anything like that. I had a girl who was about to become my girlfriend, I had friends, and I didn't have any need for an online community at all. Anyway, faking Atramentis' death taught me how to stop taking everything so seriously, which was actually a pretty neat life lesson.
I was clean for a few months, and then some stuff came up, to do with her acting and my jealousy and all of these hang- ups I had about all of the stuff she had to do on- screen. This recurred. A lot. And it took the better part of four years of being together before I could move past it to the point where it's not an issue any more. And I was miserable and lonely and filled with angst, so I came back. And then, you know, I loosened up, became less socially retarded, friendships developed more, I left the horrible atmosphere and connotations of school, and I stopped needing a virtual community. So I stopped logging on. And then Jared had the idea that, for lols, we reveal that we faked his death on his two year death day anniversary. A few laughs are had, and that's it. No more Metanet for 2 years.
I came back this time because the flat- out most beautiful (and French- speaking!) girl I'd ever seen, and the girl I'd spent some months sorta flirting with in a not- serious way moved overseas, and even though I loved the life I have living with my current girlfriend, it brought back all of these familiar high- school feelings. And the last time I'd had them, I'd doused them in N. So I thought, for laughs, I might as well try the same thing. Whatever. It was actually quite a bit of fun, but I'm over it now, and I'm not really having any fun arranging tiles and drones any more.
And I realised a few things:
1. Even when I wasn't faking a friend's death, I was such a dick.
2. I'm not a dick any more.
3. What an amazing accomplishment the Metanet community was in the first place.
Kurt Vonnegut wrote some interesting essays about loneliness in the modern, market- driven world, and how he thinks people deal with it- religious communities, drug culture, large families, and a bunch of other stuff. I think internet communities are partly another aspect of this. I could never meet any of my family beyond my parents and sister. I was a socially retarded loner in high- school without any close friends. I wasn't religious. And, correspondingly, this one weird internet community would up filling everything, and becoming this disproportionately huge part of my life. And I only really think I understand why now.
Anyway. Self- indulgent autobiography over, there are a few things I want to say-
1. Jesus christ I was a dick. I mean, seriously. What the hell was wrong with me?
2. What metanet had- any maybe still has, iunno- is pretty damn amazing. I don't really care if I'm a part of it any more, but still. It's really cool to think that a place like this can exist inside the internet.
3. There was never much to be pissed off about. I had this screwed up idea of NUMA and the forums, and- well- Jesus. I was such a dick.
4. Hey, sorry about that whole FAKING SOMEBODY'S DEATH ONLINE thing. That probably wasn't cool.
I'll probably do my part for Vehemence and then be off for a bit. Catch you all the next time a pretty girl or pretty guy makes me sad.
Thanks for being.