Stalking 101: How to not talk to girls

[SlappyMcGee]

If there's one self-imposed behavior of mine that has made a dramatic improvement to my social life, it's this one: Unless people are being overtly and intentionally malicious, assume all disrespect is only in good fun; if they're not actively trying to hurt you, then there's no reason it should hurt. Take it on the chin, smile, and forget it happened at all.

This is excellent advice. If everyone who had a bully at school followed this, bullying would die out even more than it already has.

Not just bullying, but the core of young social experiences. Universally, the difference between the nerdy loner and the reasonably well liked athlete is that when they joke about the latter's inability to hit the ball, he calls them twats and laughs it off.

[Tanner]

[otters~1]

If there's one self-imposed behavior of mine that has made a dramatic improvement to my social life, it's this one: Unless people are being overtly and intentionally malicious, assume all disrespect is only in good fun; if they're not actively trying to hurt you, then there's no reason it should hurt. Take it on the chin, smile, and forget it happened at all.

This is excellent advice. If everyone who had a bully at school followed this, bullying would die out even more than it already has.

Not just bullying, but the core of young social experiences. Universally, the difference between the nerdy loner and the reasonably well liked athlete is that when they joke about the latter's inability to hit the ball, he calls them twats and laughs it off.

Yeah, you're right. I think I meant all faux-negative social interaction.

[smartalco]

Actually I think it was quite the reverse. I came out of my shell senior year. I started doing things I never did the previous years. All the group assignments i had, i did with brand new people, people i have rarely talked to the other three years (my chem lab partner was actually the most popular girl in our IB class). I hated music junior year, now I have an ipod with 120-130 songs strong and growing each week (at least 20 i want to add currently).

I have 4,323 songs in my Winamp library. I'm glad you found music, because I consider music one of the most awesome multipurpose inventions ever, but you haven't even filled an iPod Shuffle yet. Broaden your yet very narrow horizons!

If that still hasn't convinced you then maybe the fact that I got a girlfriend, my first one during my senior year says that I did something about coming out a shell that I was in.

Reality check. I'm about to start my junior year, of college, and still haven't been in a serious relationship. You just need to chill out a bit and not worry about it. The biggest problem I have with not having a girlfriend is I'm waiting for the day when my parents start wondering if I'm gay.

This is a bit harder but Ill try. Well more people have started talking to me, i guess accepting me into their groups. But outside of school, well I never saw any of them. Why? ... i think that because I do not curse, drink, anything like that, is why i never got an invite to any party with those things (and that's a lot). so I never really did hang out with them. That might be why they didn't have anything to say.. because they don't know what to say. i guess i didn't come out of my shell enough.

Obviously you don't want to go drinking all the time, so why are you trying to be friends with these people? Go find your local nerd contingent at your school. They tend to drink less and be pretty cool people once you get past the acne and extreme introvertedness.

[chocollama]

This is a bit harder but Ill try. Well more people have started talking to me, i guess accepting me into their groups. But outside of school, well I never saw any of them. Why? ... i think that because I do not curse, drink, anything like that, is why i never got an invite to any party with those things (and that's a lot). so I never really did hang out with them. That might be why they didn't have anything to say.. because they don't know what to say. i guess i didn't come out of my shell enough.

Screw drinking dude. I don't want to offend anybody on here who might drink, but drinking is stupid. Alcohol is poison, and eventually it will kill you. You're the smarter one of your friends for not drinking.

[otters~1]

This is a bit harder but Ill try. Well more people have started talking to me, i guess accepting me into their groups. But outside of school, well I never saw any of them. Why? ... i think that because I do not curse, drink, anything like that, is why i never got an invite to any party with those things (and that's a lot). so I never really did hang out with them. That might be why they didn't have anything to say.. because they don't know what to say. i guess i didn't come out of my shell enough.

Screw drinking dude. I don't want to offend anybody on here who might drink, but drinking is stupid. Alcohol is poison, and eventually it will kill you. You're the smarter one of your friends for not drinking.

Yeah, if you're gonna drink, drink because your life is already fucked.

[t̷s͢uk̕a͡t͜ư]

Screw drinking dude. I don't want to offend anybody on here who might drink, but drinking is stupid. Alcohol is poison, and eventually it will kill you. You're the smarter one of your friends for not drinking.

I used to think this, too.
The following things made me change my mind:

• being buzzed reduces my inhibitions and makes me more sociable without sacrificing a shred of common sense (which comes with a few more drinks on top of that)
• having a drink in my hand significantly increases the amount of crap people will let me get away with in social situations
• livers are fucking indestructible; at my age, I would have to binge regularly and frequently to destroy it, and I'd regenerate it all again in a few years of less intense drinking anyway
• practically every downside of drinking alcohol is only applicable when you've had more than a reasonable amount; I don't drink nearly as much or as often to worry about these downsides

Furthermore, see reason #3: http://www.cracked.com/article_18651_th ... ou_p2.html

[SlappyMcGee]

Binge drinking certainly isn't a smart thing to do, but it's a bit melodramatic (and, objectively, incorrect) to say that it will kill you and the only reason to drink ever is because your life is worthless.

And Gin is delicious.

[smartalco]

Screw drinking dude. I don't want to offend anybody on here who might drink, but drinking is stupid. Alcohol is poison, and eventually it will kill you. You're the smarter one of your friends for not drinking.

I used to think this, too.

Of course, being Russian, vodka might as well be water to you anyway.

[im_bad_at_n]

im_bad_at_n,
Step One: Realize that underneath all of the drama and teenage angst and insufferable first-world problems, your parents have been providing and caring for you for 18 years. They've been dutifully driving you to school, feeding you, comforting you, buying you a fucking cell phone and iPod, and will now be paying out the ass for your college. Because you haven't whined about it, I'm going to assume that they let you choose your friends and your relationships, your extracurricular activities, your academic interests, the media you consume, your diet, your bedtime, your online activity, and more or less how you spend all of your free time around the house (e.g. gaming). Do you have a car? Cuz if you do, I'm willing to bet they bought that shit, also, and continue to pay for it.
...
You have zero justification for thinking that word applies to you, and I want you to feel like a world-class moron for ever having thought it did.

I dont have a car, but point taken.

Step Two: Take the following to heart and reconstruct your life around it:

one day I woke up, decided things were never as bad as they seemed (key word: DECIDED) and began to make my life more enjoyable.

In the absence of any real problems, teenagers find any ridiculous shit they can to complain about. It's symptomatic of their entire age group. And you are no exception.
I know that's something you'll probably hate to hear. But y'know what? I am fucking brilliant, and although I was slightly less fucking brilliant when I was your age, I was still a lot more fucking brilliant than you are now... but I understand in retrospect that I was doing exactly the same Stupid Bullshit That Teenagers Do, and which you are doing now.

Ill take that to heart i promise, and yeah you are ******* brilliant, especially realizing that it (probably) applied to you.

So it's important to realize tha....
...t have these "problems" to begin with), most of Us can pick up on your attitude from every subtle difference in your face and eyes, no matter how cleverly you think you may be hiding it; you are not the only person with this magical gift. And when you feel something particularly intensely, as you seem to with your description above, We might as well be capable of reading your fucking mind.
Now put yourself in their shoes......

Good advice. And with most of us it is true: I haven't told my family about the breakup, but 4 of them know enough to never mention her again. My dad however keeps asking if i want to go over to her house :P So I see how most can pick up on it from that experience.

If there's one self-imposed behavior of mine that has made a dramatic improvement to my social life, it's this one:
Unless people are being overtly and intentionally malicious, assume all disrespect is only in good fun; if they're not actively trying to hurt you, then there's no reason it should hurt. Take it on the chin, smile, and forget it happened at all.

Others have commented on this, and I agree with them. Completely.

Step Five:
Take the weekend to yourself to think about how much your behavior is based on how you think people are treating you, and consider how you'd treat each of those people if you had met for the first time.
Then give everyone a clean slate. Forget every terrible thing everyone has ever done to you and drop all the tension you create with your friends and family. Relax. Snap out of this mindset where you feel you're enduring people's abuse. Stop seeing yourself as the camel (because it is actually a camel, not a donkey, as in "the straw that broke the camel's back"), and start seeing yourself as side-stepping the abuse entirely.
But most importantly, stop carrying it with you.

I'll give everyone a clean slate. The hardest will be my dad but ill give him a clean slate too. I always learned it as a donkey (I want to add), but I doubt it is very important.

If all else fails, you can always just make yourself a Rorschach mask and sit around like a creepy wierdo, figuring that people can't abuse you if they don't feel comfortable in the same room with you in the first place. Talk to UniverseZero if you're interested in going down that road.

umm... yeah, no thanks.

Step Six:
Your girlfriend sounds stupid. Inform her of this. What kind of moron looks for a serious, long-term relationship out of high school, for crying out loud?
Of course you can't put down that level of commitment; you're not fucking deranged. Just because her crazy ass is fifteen years ahead of schedule doesn't entitle her to drag you down that same road to single parenting.
Bitches be crazy.

Thank you for this step. This cleared my mind more than all the other five. Besides, (this might be wrong) I think 3 months is a very short time to establish any long term stuff, no matter what age we're talking about. But I want to thank you for all the steps that you wrote, they will all help me out and realize what I, myself, am doing wrong.

[t̷s͢uk̕a͡t͜ư]

My usual consulting fee is $500, but I'll give you a special deal. Just PayPal me $499 and our business will be concluded.

[scythe]

Looks like you may want to bring back Ask Suki.

[chocollama]

Looks like you may want to bring back Ask Suki.

If you're going to bring it back just change 'Suki' to a word that can't be mistaken for the word 'sucky'.

[origami_alligator]

If all else fails, you can always just make yourself a Rorschach mask and sit around like a creepy wierdo, figuring that people can't abuse you if they don't feel comfortable in the same room with you in the first place. Talk to UniverseZero if you're interested in going down that road.

On another note, I have almost entirely stopped drinking around my friends at parties or in social situations. You don't have to drink to hang out with people and you don't have to drink to have fun. As long as you can learn to feel comfortable around the friends you are with then not drinking when everyone else is can be enjoyable too. There is going to probably be a lot of peer pressure and you'll have to deal with the occasional bullshit from everyone but they will either learn to respect your decisions or else you move on and find people who maybe also drink but respect that you do not.

As for the advice I gave which Tsukatu elaborated on, it's not easy and it doesn't happen all at once. You may wake up one day and decide that but you still have to work through all the months/years of angst that you have built up. It's not easy to start but once you do, past issues become much more simple to deal with. It's inevitable that I still battle through short bouts of depression but I think by creating a way for myself to handle stress and uncomfortable long- and short-term situations that I overcome depression and hopelessness much more quick than I used to.

I wish the best to you, IBAN, and I apologize if my post seemed too harsh, I was tired and pissed off. Also, tell your girlfriend what's going on with you because I get the feeling there is a lack of communication about the underlying problems you are dealing with and she is only viewing your attempts at pretending everything is okay. Don't go into too much detail unless she asks for more information, but give her the general idea that you're trying to work through some stuff right now and you'd appreciate it if she was there to help you rather than put you down.

[t̷s͢uk̕a͡t͜ư]

It's inevitable that I still battle through short bouts of depression but I think by creating a way for myself to handle stress and uncomfortable long- and short-term situations that I overcome depression and hopelessness much more quick than I used to.

There are some nights that I wake up and realize that all I have left is my Hattori Hanzo steel.

[origami_alligator]

It's inevitable that I still battle through short bouts of depression but I think by creating a way for myself to handle stress and uncomfortable long- and short-term situations that I overcome depression and hopelessness much more quick than I used to.

There are some nights that I wake up and realize that all I have left is my Hattori Hanzo steel.

***performs Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique on the thread***

[im_bad_at_n]

It was harsh, both yours and Suki's. But I needed it. Badly. And it helped. :)

[smartalco]

On another note, I have almost entirely stopped drinking around my friends at parties or in social situations. You don't have to drink to hang out with people and you don't have to drink to have fun. As long as you can learn to feel comfortable around the friends you are with then not drinking when everyone else is can be enjoyable too. There is going to probably be a lot of peer pressure and you'll have to deal with the occasional bullshit from everyone but they will either learn to respect your decisions or else you move on and find people who maybe also drink but respect that you do not.

On the occasion that I am around my friends that drink when they are drinking, I think I end up having more fun laughing at their drunken shenanigans then I would have fun by drinking and joining them.

Although I never really started drinking at all in the first place, mainly because I never saw the point, just like I never saw the point in buying jeans that already have holes in them. (By the time I'm done with my jeans, they still have more holes than the overpriced designer BS that is being sold these days, I don't need more to start with).

I've found that philosophy works out pretty good in general. Observe other people. Attempt to find a reason for doing what they are doing (and that reason can not be 'because everyone does it', biggest mistake made by teenagers). Once you have realized there is no reason, stop pretending you need to do what they are doing.

[t̷s͢uk̕a͡t͜ư]

Observe other people. Attempt to find a reason for doing what they are doing... Once you have realized there is no reason, stop pretending you need to do what they are doing.

Good point, although it got kinda jumbled in with drinking alcohol socially, for which there is no shortage of good reasons.

[otters~1]

Observe other people. Attempt to find a reason for doing what they are doing... Once you have realized there is no reason, stop pretending you need to do what they are doing.

Good point, although it got kinda jumbled in with drinking alcohol socially, for which there is no shortage of good reasons.

I've never understood the argument: if you're drinking in high school, you've succumbed to peer pressure. What the fuck is that? Could you possibly be drinking because alcohol is entertaining, it makes you less inhibited in social situations, etc? (I can't agree with Slappy about gin, though.)

[SlappyMcGee]

I've never understood the argument: if you're drinking in high school, you've succumbed to peer pressure. What the fuck is that? Could you possibly be drinking because alcohol is entertaining, it makes you less inhibited in social situations, etc? (I can't agree with Slappy about gin, though.)

It's like a party in your mouth, but only sweet pine was invited.

[t̷s͢uk̕a͡t͜ư]

I include gin in the same tier of preference as vodka, rum, and certain kinds of schnapps, i.e. the highest. I would happily drink any of these with a mixer or have to sip by itself at any engagement in which alcohol is appropriate.
This puts it above the "acceptable, given no alternatives" tier which includes spiced rum, wine, beer, as well as mixed drinks that sufficiently dilute the taste of the tier below as to make them potable. Whiskey is also at this level, although only certain kinds and in many circumstances it no longer qualifies.
The lowest tier is simply poisonous and revolting: tequila, Tennessee Sour Mash and other vile varieties of whiskey, brandy, and absinthe all immediately come to mind. If I'm at a party and see nothing but these offered, I'm a designated driver for the night.

[Kablizzy]

I no longer have bouts of depression because I never had bouts of depression (Because I wasn't ever genuinely depressed (Because I was a whiny fucking teenager)).

[Kablizzy]

I've never understood the argument: if you're drinking in high school, you've succumbed to peer pressure. What the fuck is that? Could you possibly be drinking because alcohol is entertaining, it makes you less inhibited in social situations, etc?

Nope.

[Vyacheslav]

Observe other people. Attempt to find a reason for doing what they are doing... Once you have realized there is no reason, stop pretending you need to do what they are doing.

Good point, although it got kinda jumbled in with drinking alcohol socially, for which there is no shortage of good reasons.

I've never understood the argument: if you're drinking in high school, you've succumbed to peer pressure. What the fuck is that? Could you possibly be drinking because alcohol is entertaining, it makes you less inhibited in social situations, etc? (I can't agree with Slappy about gin, though.)

Not always true. I know kids who were depressed in high school so that's why they took up drinking.