You Are The Villian!

[PALEMOON]

Okay, so consider this:

You are the evil arch-villain of a pretty traditional RPG. The goody-two-shoes Heroes are right outside your evil lair / castle / fortress / space station / whatever, preparing their final assault. You only have moments before they storm your throne room for the final dramatic fight. What do you do to repel them?

Feel free to be as humorous as you like, but just remember that you are the evil badguy final boss, and prone to terrible mistakes and cliches that might end up being your downfall.

I'll start:

I'm going to spend my time stationing all my super elite soldier bosses around the castle, and i will place save points before each one. Also, i will fill treasure chests with potions and revival items and spread them around the castle in easily accessible locations. Then i laugh evilly and wait in my throne room until the heroes come and fight me.

If they manage to defeat me i will trigger my secret bomb i have strapped to my body, and then spout random bullshit like "I'm actually your mother's father, who is also your brother" and hope to god it confuses them enough so they stick around until the really long timer on the bomb goes off and they all die in a fiery napalm nuke explosion that also shoots lasers into the moon so the moon blows up and rains moon chunks on them. They of course will manage to escape in the one life boat in the secret chamber that i could have used to escape.

What do you do?

[Cheez]

Hmm... I had to think for a bit, but I've decided.

I'll show em my moves!

I would have highly trained professional snipers hiding in secret cubbyholes in the walls with a hole large enough to shoot from. If they manage to make it through 7 floors of motion-sensor explosives, napalm cannons, and 3 ogres, they will face the Ultimate Labyrinth of EVIL which contains a huge, confusing maze lined with corrosive walls, and the smell of tacos wafting through the air, not to mention the Minotaur and the acid-filled pits. Then they will have a one-on-one fight with my supreme elite right-hand man professional swordsman named Cixot, who has the ability to jump and create a shockwave(sooo cliche for a boss fight), and not to mention the occasion burst of napalm from hidden floor traps. Cixot, if defeated, drops the Deathsower, his sword, as a prize, and the heroes gain 5000 exp points! They will then take the Deathsower and try to face me, and if I am defeated, my body will burst into flames and will light the napalm cannons which will start to fire, setting the castle on fire. The heroes will then have 5 minutes to get out of the castle. One of them will sacrifice him/herself to let the others go on. Once they get out, they will turn around and realize there was a backdoor all that time they could have used. .__.

[MattKestrel]

I'd come out, say that was my evil twin who mysteriously died in an unrelated incident, and offer them frosty chocolate milkshakes. After that, we all go back to the hero's house, and we have a few beers, shoot some pool. Then, I take the pool cue, come behind him, and congratulate him on beating me at another round. Then I'll go back to my apartment in Pennsylvania for the day.

Then, 30 yrs later, I'll phone them up. If they're dead, woot. If they aren't, I'll meet up with them for another game of pool. WITH CHAINSAWS!

[capt_weasle]

Send my hilariously stupid henchmen after them, which ultimately fails. The protagonists then rush into my lair where I pull a move so ridiculously simple you being to wonder how they managed to get past the henchmen, and I capture them. Confident that they could not possible escape, I unravel my top secret plans for world domination, mentioning the only way it could ever fail. Of course they won't exploit that fact because they cannot escape my grasp. Leaving the room, I start the death machine that happens to move just slowly enough to allow them time to escape. Despite my being able to get away via helicopter, the protagonists manage to stop my dastardly plan. As I look at my evil lair slowly disappearing into the distance, I whisper one final, "And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids. And your stupid dog - wait, no there wasn't a dog. Never mind."

[Drathmoore]

Let them go through the perils of the final dungeon. Then tape a piece of paper to the door with one of these sayings:

"Gone to Lunch. Back in an hour."

"I'm sorry, but your princess is in another castle."

"I think you've got the wrong super-secret evil base, try two doors down."

"This door will explode on contact."

"Boss Key? Sorry, this one's a deadbolt."


On the note of the last message, and the Legend of Zelda games, you'd think a person like Ganondorf would be smart enough to get a larger keyring than hide all his keys around the place in convienient chests. And why not keep the Boss Key with you. Then they can't get to you...

[Ampersand]

And why not keep the Boss Key with you. Then they can't get to you...

Dude has to piss sometime.

[-LordofPeanuts-]

pffft! They'd never make it to my castle. I would make sure to send my weakest underlings after them first and then send progressively stronger minions after them so that way they can build their strength and make it to my castle to beat…me….wait, that’s stupid....oh! I know! I’ll break the ancient talisman/ legendary crystal/ other one-thing-that-can-defeat-me type object-- into 7 pieces. I could easily destroy this object completely with my supercool badass villain powers, but I should give them a chance, right?

[PALEMOON]

My other idea was to plant a bomb in the final savepoint before my throne room, and then after the resulting explosion when they tried to save i would engage the FINAL BOSS FIGHT so they would panic because they haven't saved in hours


that would be a very dick move on my part.

[zan3011]

LOL!
i would have cans of beans ready for me to eat, you can gues what happens next!
i would just hope to god that it kills them, if not i hope it blinds them some how so i can leg it!

[t̷s͢uk̕a͡t͜ư]

Start gently rolling barrels down the only path to me. Just barrel after barrel. Rhythmically.

[Yoshimo]

I'll strategically place savepoints aound the world, and a couple of bosses, maybe ten. Instead of hoarding the items, I'll scatter them in an easy to access way, except for maybe the final 10%. I'd make the first 7 bosses as easy as fuck, then make it so that the last 3 are near impossible. Also, the seventh boss will use jizz to slow her down and then grab and buttrape her. I'll place a few healing stations around, especially right before the bosses. Finally, I'll hide behind smoe flimsy glass barriers and place turrets that shoot spitballs and spaghettios at them. If they get to and kill me, I'll reincarnate as a giant chicken mutant and use my brain powers to shoot rainbows at her. </super metroid>

[SlappyMcGee]

Start gently rolling barrels down the only path to me. Just barrel after barrel. Rhythmically.

That's what I did to your mother last night.

[squibbles]

I would place an obnoxious mushroom at my throne, tell him to tell them "Your princess is in another castle" and shit bail to my parents place.

[otters~1]

You are the evil arch-villain of a pretty traditional RPG. The goody-two-shoes Heroes are right outside your evil lair / castle / fortress / space station / whatever, preparing their final assault. You only have moments before they storm your throne room for the final dramatic fight. What do you do to repel them?

Jerk off.

[Drathmoore]

Put locked doors everywhere, and map the place out so that there is one less key than there is locked door, resulting in the party running around the dungeon for hours trying to find said key.

Or hiding behind the castle. They always go inside it...

[Yoshimo]

Put locked doors everywhere, and map the place out so that there is one less key than there is locked door, resulting in the party running around the dungeon for hours trying to find said key.

Or hiding behind the castle. They always go inside it...

Hear hear, the mans a genius!

So simple you can't even cliche it!

[otters]

I think I'd probably climb into a giant mech suit and walk around the the city setting up protagonist-sized turrets that they can get in and out of if they need to, plus a system of launchpads that will enable them to reach the turrets (they're on top of buildings.)

After that it would be a simple matter of waiting until they fought their way to me, shout a few hackneyed phrases, then wait till they climb into a turret and run to the opposite end of the city block, where I fire hovering, explosive drones at them that travel about four miles an hour. After they take down 5% of my health, I'll walk over to their turret and raise my fist to smash it—but if they climb out, I'll change my mind, because who would want to destroy a perfectly good turret? I can pull a half dozen variations of this same technique, from spraying the turret with a shower of fiery meteors, to shooting it with a super-accurate laser that I don't bother using on the player, to flying up in the air and grabbing a space-car, then hurling it up in the air so it'll land on the turret in the next three days.

They can't possibly defeat me! Brilliant!

[Atilla]

Launch into an incredibly long and tedious monologue, using text boxes that can only display one sentence and require the heroes to press A to advance, with extra waits for my dramatic gesture animations. Everyone knows heroes can't attack you until you finish your monologue. I figure if I can talk for twelve hours straight they'll probably just get bored and give up halfway through.

[Tapp]

I'd have a little bit of common sense, and keep 3 working machine guns on me at all times. My chamber would have a locked door, made of metal, and I would have the key. All guards will have guns that require their fingerprint to operate (they exist), and every corridor will have teams of guards. Any given group of guards will be able to see at least 2 other groups of guards at all times, and will have working radios. Security sweeps will happen at intervals smaller than the amount of time required to get from the entry of the castle to my throne. All rooms will have no pillars or objects to hide behind and will be adequately lit. Finally, the path to my room will be a single, straight corridor with guards positioned at 2 metre intervals. Metal detecters will also be placed at choke points, and will be completely concealed by the architecture. Any countdowns should require a password to perform any operation, and should have a 'skip the countdown' button labelled 'abort'.

[t̷s͢uk̕a͡t͜ư]

I'd require the hero to go through a horrifically long series of side-quests that have nothing to do with his primary interest and generally require him to be entire orders of magnitude more powerful than he needs to be to save the world, or whatever he's supposed to be focusing on. Then I'll collect 99 Phoenix Downs on my belt within easy grabbing distance (in case he wants to steal them) which I'll never use, myself. Every ten seconds, I'll use an attack that requires a 15-second long, unskippable cut scene that requires the hero to use a Phoenix Down to continue surviving, before resuming a steady Costly Punch to my face repeatedly. This will continue for 45 minutes to an hour.

[Donfuy]

"And there you go, one last step until you face the mighty villain."

"Let's do this. FOR THE EMP--"

...

[Zephyr]

I'll just have a lock that can only be opened by beating IWBTG stuck on impossible on the PC next to thet door.
And Atilla, I thought of that right before I read your post.

[origami_alligator]

I would constantly jeer the hero throughout their entire conquest through my invisible castle carved into a glacier. Obviously I will have speakers throughout the entire place which they find the game engine does not let them destroy, which the player thinks is incredibly stupid.

Then they realize that they cannot get into the heart of the ice cube by any means: I've hollowed out a large room with a food supply that could last me 50 years and sealed myself inside a 10 ft. thick block of ice.

The hero becomes a proponent of global warming. I become a sadistic hermit living in an ice box.

10 years later my glacier has melted. I return to humanity and develop a fondness of carousels.

Our last battle takes place on the largest carousel built in a city that closely resembles Paris. The carousel is 3 stories tall. The outer diameter measures 25 metres while the inner diameter measures 15 metres. I designed it and had it built as my fortress since my last one melted. The game suddenly become a 2D RPG. The hero must solve puzzles and riddles and open chests and find items to help them. I offer no save points, but they rarely fight anybody. If they do fight somebody, it is because they chose the wrong answer to a question that is asked by a NPC who will show them the correct way to go as long as they don't kill them.

They travel through each floor and every room to find the final key that lets the automatic bridge extend to the centre of the carousel where I have been waiting. The game suddenly becomes a 3D third-person fighting style game, much like Ninja Gaiden Black. Because this confuses the player so much they have no idea what controls do what. Also, they have to play it with an original Sega Genesis controller or else the hero character commits hara-kiri.

If they have done all of these things then they fight me. "I am a skinny white male, less than 6 feet tall who enjoys candle-lit dinners and puppies of large dogs!" I shout. Nobody understands the importance of this statement until after they have defeated me with their various weapons when it becomes clear that those words activated a humongous drill that is on its way to the centre of the Earth. If reached, the planet will cool down at an alarming rate and reverse the effects of global warming, but to what cost? Almost complete annihilation of all life on Earth. The hero must then descend down the already treacherous tunnel created and disable the drill by defeating all the ninja that drop down from the top of the screen in set intervals onto the drill; if they don't destroy the previous group quickly enough the next group drops down to join them. Also, they have to fight on a spinning platform.

When the hero successfully defeats the ninja, a theatrical cut-scene shows the main character powering up with their supercharge attack and aiming it directly down. This destroys the drill and the hero is blasted to the top of the tunnel. Words appear on the screen: "Your mom wants to know what you have been doing for the last 48 hours."

END GAME

[Sondrigal]

I would battle them at half my true strength to get them confident, and just as they think they beat me I run away. Then they have to find me in a entirely different world, where the monsters are a bunch harder.

[natrues peril]

i would shoot them with a procrastination raygun, forcing them to keep putting off killing me untill they are too old and weak to stop me

*evil laugh*