Jokes

[capt_weasle]

Post 'em!

Two muffins in an oven. On says, "Boy it's hot in here!" The other one turns around and states, "Holy crap, a talking muffin!"

[Drathmoore]

Two crisps walk down a street.

One was assualted.

[MattKestrel]

Two crisps walk down a street.

One was assualted.

IT'S PEANUTS YOU MORMON D:

[Drathmoore]

Two crisps walk down a street.

One was assualted.

IT'S PEANUTS YOU MORMON D:

How again does changing the word "Peanuts" for "Crisps" make me want multiple wives? (I apologise if there are any Mormons on the forums; it's only a joke ;) ).

And time for another bad joke!

How many letters are there in the alphabet?

Twenty-four, because E.T. went home.

[MattKestrel]

Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven has an heroin addiction, and it's tearing him apart.

[Rule]

You should change this into dumb jokes. Those are the best!
Like the one of GTM.

[Drathmoore]

Hmm... A joke.

Sonic 06 (OH SNAP!)

[Vyacheslav]

Windows Vista.

[terrazza]

And time for another bad joke!

How many letters are there in the alphabet?

Twenty-four, because E.T. went home.

That's pretty funny.

ALright, who stole the soap?

The robber ducky!

[Seneschal]

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Rape

That one courtesy of Jimmy Carr.

[999_Springs]

This thread.

[29403]

What did the plant say to his girlfriend?

Aloe Vera!

[Slayr]

Why didn't the black man marry the Mexican?

He didn't want his kids to be too lazy to steal.

[Skyling]

There is far too much anti-humor in this thread. It's awful.

[Rhekatou]

Woman's rights.

[Spawn of Yanni]

Probably already seen by most, but still needs to go in this thread:

[00:06:43] <scythe> Mahatma Gandhi walked around barefoot most of the time
[00:06:51] <scythe> which produced a lot of callouses on his feet.
[00:07:01] <scythe> He also ate very little, which made him very frail,
[00:07:10] <scythe> and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
[00:07:12] <scythe> This made him
[00:07:23] <scythe> A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!

[00:14:38] <@Yanni> Two mathematicians are at a beach trying to figure out how the amount of suntan a person gets varies with the outside temperature.
[00:15:33] <@Yanni> After various tests, they found that at 60 degrees F, they had a 7% suntan.
[00:15:55] <@Yanni> At 70 degrees F, it was a 15% suntan.
[00:16:08] <@Yanni> At 80 degrees, 23% suntan.
[00:16:17] <@Yanni> At 90 degrees, it went down to 0%.
[00:16:27] <@Yanni> For weeks, they were desperate to understand the results.
[00:16:35] <@Yanni> Finally, the answer came to them.
[00:16:41] <@Yanni> "Of course!" one says to the other
[00:16:49] <@Yanni> "The tan of 90 degrees does not exist"

[00:17:40] <scythe> Alright, so two friars were looking for a way to raise money.
[00:17:51] <scythe> They decided to open a florist shop in the church during the week.
[00:18:21] <scythe> Of course, since everyone liked to buy flowers from the friars, the florist across town, Hugh, thought they were unfair competition.
[00:18:37] <scythe> So Hugh begged the friars to stop selling flowers.
[00:18:43] <scythe> they ignored him.
[00:19:27] <scythe> The next day, he went to their store and beat the crap out of them and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close the store.
[00:19:37] <scythe> In the end
[00:19:49] <scythe> it turned out that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

[00:20:18] <@Yanni> A couple is walking down a street in Communist Russia.
[00:20:45] <@Yanni> The wife feels something on her arm, and says to her husband "Honey, I think it's beginning to rain."
[00:21:03] <@Yanni> The husband disagrees. "No no," he says. "That's no rain."
[00:21:28] <@Yanni> This argument goes back and forth for some minutes, until they come across a local walking the opposite way.
[00:21:49] <@Yanni> "Sir?" calls the husband. "Sir, what is your name?" "Rudolph," the man replies.
[00:22:09] <@Yanni> "Do you think it's raining at the moment? My wife and I are having an argument about this."
[00:22:19] <@Yanni> The man looks up, and ponders for a while.
[00:22:33] <@Yanni> Looks back at him, and decides "No, no it's not raining."
[00:22:48] <@Yanni> The couple walk away, the husband satisfied as he thinks he's won.
[00:23:02] <@Yanni> The wife is still not convinced. "Who says he's right?"
[00:23:12] <@Yanni> The husband smiles, looks over to his wife, and says
[00:23:20] <@Yanni> "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

[sheganican]

Cats
December 25th
Meowy Christmas
You set it up

[EdoI]

A guy comes into a pharmacy, and says:
"Do you have condoms?"
The pharmacist:
"Yes, of course."
The guy:
"Okay, I'll take one."
The pharmacist gives him a condom, and when he was about to charge it, the guy said:
"You know, I'm going to my girlfriend's house tonight on dinner, to meet her family. She has a really sexy sister, I think she might expect something too."
So the pharmacist gave him another condom, and went to charge him, but the customer interrupted again:
"Hmm, I think her mother has some expectations too. Just give me a whole package."
So the customer took the package and left.

Dinnertime. Everyone sitting at the table. The whole family said a prayer, the guy was the only one left praying. Main meal passed, but he was still praying. His girlfriend found that strange, slightly kicked him in his leg below the table, and says:
"You've never told me you're so religious!"
The guy answered:
"Neither did you tell me your father is a pharmacist!"

[fawk]

The second I saw this I thought "I'm gonna tell my muffin joke!". Read the first post. God dammit.

[Izzy]

So there's this joke that's quite common in Ecuador.

There's an Ecuadorian guy and an American guy. :I The American guy is chewing gum, and the Ecuadorian guy is eating a banana. So Ecuadorian guy throws the banana peel away once he's finished, and then the American guy says, "When we throw away bananas, garbage collectors pick them up and give them to jelly/marmalade/jam factories, where they process the fruit and send it to Ecuador."

Then the American spits out his gum, and Ecuador man says, "When we use condoms, they're sent to chewing gum factories, where they're processed and sent to the United States."


Damn it's so much funnier in Spanish.

[fawk]

The second I saw this I thought "I'm gonna tell my muffin joke!". Read the first post. God dammit.

I just realised that this is like posting "I don't have any jokes" in a joke forum :S

[Luminaflare]

The second I saw this I thought "I'm gonna tell my muffin joke!". Read the first post. God dammit.

I just realised that this is like posting "I don't have any jokes" in a joke forum :S

It's more coming to post that you have pie and then noticing the first post stole your pie.

[beethoveN]

it's better to be burned at the stake then hve your head chopped off by a guillotine, you know why? because a hot stake is better than a cold chop! (if you dont get it read aloud)

[terrazza]

it's better to be burned at the stake then hve your head chopped off by a guillotine, you know why? because a hot stake is better than a cold chop! (if you dont get it read aloud)

That's A GOOD ONE.

Oops, silly caps.

Why did the chicken Cross the road?

You tell me

[a happy song]

Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven has an heroin addiction, and it's tearing him apart.

This non-sequitur works much better in the context of the "A man walks in to a bar.." gag, and if delivered well is actually a good joke.

ie:

A man walks into a bar...

He has an alcohol addiction and it's tearing his family apart.

Hilarious.